THE  LIBRARY 
OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


'The  Man\Vho  Lied  on  Arkansas 

and 

t  Got  Him 


The  Editor 
or  THE 

Arkansas  &krtrlj  Souk 


With    Fifty   Illustrations 

Mostly  by  The  Liar. 


Copyright  May,  1909,  by 
The  Sketch  Book  Publishing  Co.,  Llttl*  Rock,  Ark. 


SECOND  EDITION 


IN  ARKANSAS 


Said  Chollie  to  the  Farmer  Man 
Way  down  in  Arkansas, . 

"A  scientific  way  I'll  show 

To  milk  youh  bloomin1  caw!' 


Said  the  Farmer  Man  to  Chollie, 

"You  will?  Haw,  haw!  Haw!  Haw  I 


Jteur  waj  tteatg«ny  wgj,  By  Gosh  .....  ,    , 
.'.  J'vejsa^.in  Ajiansas.i*  *.       '     ...... 


DEFINITIONS. 

A  LIAR — One  who  lies. 
ARKANSAS — A    State.      The   open   door  of    opportuni 
THE    MAN   WHO   LIED    ON   ARKANSAS.     "E    Pluribu 
Unum." 


lo$4- 


in 

N 


D 

CJ 


The  Monumental  Kind, 


DRAMATIS    PERSONAE. 
The  Liar  Man. 

A  well-groomed  individual  with  an  automatic  tongue  who 
visited  Arkansas  when  he  had  fizzled  out  everywhere  else. 
Here  he  wrote  lies  about  a  great  State  and  a  good  people 
which  netted  him  a  fortune.  He  took  up  with  Arkansas 
people,  received  every  courtesy  at  their  hand,  and  for  their 
kindness  made  them  appear  ridiculous.  But  at  last  he  was 
run  down  by  Eetribution  and  passed  on  to  a  community 
where  his  apples  were  always  served  baked  and  his  hot 
water  baths  were  free. 

The  Arkansas  Girl. 

A  charming  daughter  of  the  New  South  who  came  des 
perately  near  falling  in  love  with  the  Liar  Man  because  of 
his  worldly  polish,  his  unselfish  devotion  to  an  aged  mother, 
his  preference  for  the  Baptist  Church,  ihis  entnusiastic  love 
of  Arkansas,  and  his  utter  and  uncompromising  hatred  of 
anything  like  a  lie. 

Jack. 

A  big-hearted,  brolad-tehouldered,  well-educated  Son  of 
Arkansas  who  had  "horse  sense,"  had  never  spent  any  time 
with  affinities,  had  never  smoked  cigarettes  with  chorus  girls 
on  the  Bowery,  had  never  rented  a  dress  suit,  dodged  his 
tailor,  or  jumped  a  board  bill.  He  loved  the  Girl 

The  Fury. 

A  superannuated  Affinity  of  the  Liar  Man's.  He  had 
forcibly  detached  himself  from  the  tenacity  of  her  affections 
some  ten  years  before,  but  these  same  deserted  affections 
refused  to  die,  and  rigged  in  full  war  paint,  and  none 
the  more  sweet-tempered  because  of  her  years  of  disap 
pointing  search,  she  was  still  an  his  track,  though  he  knew 
it  not. 


DEDICATION 


f  I  VO  the  cheerful  ones  who  have  at 
-••      some  time  exaggerated,  prevari 
cated  or  falsified,  this  story  is  respectfully 
dedicated,  with  the  hope  that  each  will 
buy  one  copy,  in  which  event  its  suc 
cess  is  assured. 


FOREWORD. 

Not  Written  by  The  Liar. 

On  a  time  long,  long  before  the  primitive  ancestors  of  the 
Ananias  kind  had  outgrown  their  monkey  habits,  the  Master 
Workman  of  the  Universe  made  a  planet,  which  he  ribbed 
with  rock,  skirted  with  clouds,  and  hung  in  the  firmament  to 
be  fashioned  by  the  forces  of  Nature  into  a  fit  habitation  for 
that  princely  animal,  Mankind. 

When  Time  had  done  its  work,  the  Universal  Workman 
supplied  the  new-made  planet  with  resources  for  the  develop 
ment  of  its  future  inhabitants.  Soil  and  sunshine,  silver 
and  gold,  iron  and  zinc,  forests  and  coal,  precious  stones  and 
healing  waters,  were  supplied  and  to  every  section  gave  He 
some  treasure,  to  none  gave  He  all. 

When  He  had  finished  He  found  He  had  some  treasure  left 
from  every  clime  and  section.  There  was  coal,  millions  of 
tons;  there  was  tall  timber,  millions  of  feet;  there  was  the 
richest  black  soil  yet  spread  in  any  fertile  valley;  there  was 
fruit  land  and  prairie  land;  there  was  marble  and  zinc  and 
lead;  a  mountain  of  ceramic  clay;  there  w*»re  pearls  enough 
to  fill  a  river,  an  extinct  volcano  crater  full  of  diamonds, 
and  the  most  wonderful  hot  springs  in  all  the  earth. 

"What  shall  I  do  with  it"  the  Master  Workman  said. 
"If  I  put  it  all  in  one  place  the  Human  Animal  will  desert 
every  other  spot  on  earth  and  fight  for  it." 

W'ben  He  had  thought,  He  reached  out  His  hand  of  power 
and  tipping  back  the  lowlying  water  from  a  yet  inundated 
section,  He  rent  the  new-made  earth  with  mighty  mountains 
and  here  he  moved  His  collection  of  treasures. 

The  black  soil  made  river  bottoms,  the  fruit  sail  made 
uplands,  the  zinc  was  hid  in  the  pockets  of  the  mountains; 
the  tall  timbers  were  sowed  thick  as  grass  and  under  the  new 
domain  was  hid  strata  on  strata  of  coal.  Pearls  were  scat 
tered  in  the  river  bed  and  in  the  farthest  corner  behind  th« 
roughest  rocks  was  hid  the  store  of  diamonds. 

When  He  had  finished  His  crowning  work  the  Master 
Workman  locked  the  treasure  in  Nature's  bosom  and  left  it 
until  future  generations  should  learn  to  use  the  key  of 
Progress. 

When  the  White  Man  came,  <he  found  the  Red  Man  of  the 
Arkansas  Tribe  in  possession  of  this  unknown  store  of  treas 
ure,  and  so  he  called  his  new  discovery  Arkansas. 


PORTRAITS    OF    THE    LEADING    MAN 


When  he  landed  in  town, 

He  looked  real  good, 
And  received  such  treatment 

As  honest  men  should. 

When  he  got  a  check 

For  his  first  big  Me, 
The  man  was  so  tickled 

He  feared  he  would  die 

When  he  met  the 

Arkansas  Girl   so   sweet, 
He  reduced  this  grin 

To  something  neat. 

When  the  Arkansas  Maiden 

Said  plainly  "No!" 
The  Liar  Man  looked 

Like  the  "tail  of  woe." 

But   when   she    arrived    he   had    dodged    for 
years 

And  fell  on  his  neck  with  a  clinging  kias, 
The  man  who  had  told  a  thousand  lies 
Wished  he  were  dead  and  looked  like— 


This. 


"Jack" 


8 


THE  LIAR  ARRIVES. 


Some  men  lie  to  be  funny 
Some  lie  to  keep  out  of  jail; 

Some  men  li«  to  make  money, 
And  her  eon  hangeth  this  tale. 

It  was  in  his  system,  but  hadn't  begun  to 
work  out  yet  when  he  set  foot  on  Arkansas  soil : 
and,  having  the  appearance  of  an  honest  hus 
tler,  the  Liar  Man  did  not  find  it  hard  to  get 
acquainted  with  respectable  people. 

In  due  course  of  time  he  received  invitations 
to  dine  with  business  men,  and  later  was  hon 
ored  with  a  few  invitations  to  visit  at  some  of 
their  homes. 

The  hospitality  of  the  Southern  home  had 
gone  as  far  as  the  history  of  its  existence.  The 
Liar  Man  had  heard  of  it,  and  accepted  his  first 
invitation  with  pleasure. 

The  home  in  this  case  was  of  magnificent 
Colonial  style,  bearing  out  the  stately  elegance 
of  the  Old  South,  with  every  modern  elegance 
and  comfort. 

The  Liar  Man  had  on  numerous  occasions 
enjoyed  splendid  homes  from  the  " outside  in." 
The  reason  he  wasn't  in  was  because  the  occu 
pants  didn't  like  his  style. 

Now  that  he  had  an  opportunity  of  enjoying 
the  best  from  the  " inside  out,"  he  was  de 
lighted,  and  began  to  coach  himself  on  the  gen 
tle  art  of  " making  out  like  he  vas  ust  to  it." 

He   found    this   home   a   dream   of   artistic 


beauty  and  an  ideal  of  comfort,  but  its  attrac 
tions  were  immediately  relegated  to  the  roar 
when  he  met  the  daughter  of  the  house. 

The  Girl  was  a  typical  daughter  of  the  South. 
She  was  royally  independent  and  charmingly 
dependant;  she  was  vivacious  or  serious  as 
occasion  demanded;  and,  withal,  she  was  wom- 


A  "Little  Kocker." 


anly  and  beautiful,  and  as  loyal  to  her  native 
State  as  was  her  best  friend  "Jack"  to  her. 

When  the  Liar  Man  was  presented  as  a  stran 
ger  who  was  much  interested  in  Arkansas  and 
its  development,  the  Grirl  at  once  showed  her 
friendly  interest  by  inviting  him  to  her  "  Ar 
kansas  Boom." 

10 


"This  is  our  'show  room  for  strangers,," 
she  explained.  * '  So  many  visitors  come  to  our 
home  who  have  wrong  ideas  about  the  wonder 
ful  resources  of  our  State  and  the  talent  of  our 
people  that  we  have  arranged  this  as  a  little 
educational  proposition.  Everything  in  it,  from 
the  marble  mantel  and  the  pretty  tiling  to  the 
hand-carved  oak  table,  is  home  made.  Then 
there  is  a  shelf  of  books  by  Arkansas  writers- 
poetry,  fiction,  history,  essays  and  text-books. 
One  of  our  writers,  a  well-known  member  of  the 
Society  of  Arts  of  London  and  the  National 
Art  Club  of  New  York,  is  author  of  an  art 
classic;  one  of  our  historians  has  a  national 
reputation,  and  Arkansas  has  furnished  Ma 
sonry  of  the  world  its  poet  laureate.  And  our 
artists'?  Oh,  yes,  we  have  them,  and  it  has 
been  left  for  one  of  the  best  in  both  New  York 
and  Paris  to  be  from  Arkansas.  And  music- 
listen!"  and  she  seated  herself  at  a  piano,  ran 
her  fingers  over  the  keys,  and  sang  that  popular 
little  song,  "Honey,  Make  My  Dream  Gome 
True." 

As  the  Girl  sang  the  Liar  Man  felt  a  great 
big  sentimental  feeling  creeping  over  him.  It 
was  not  a  shaft  from  Cupid's  dart.  Cupid  had 
long  ago  passed  him  up  as  a  bad  case.  But  it 
was  a  substitute  that  made  him  wish  he  could 
be  singing  the  song  to  her  with  the  assurance 
that  she  would  not  deny  its  brave  request. 

"How  is  that  for  Arkansas?"  the  Girl  said, 
laughing,  and  when  she  told  him  she  had  lots 
more  nice  songs  by  Arkansas  composers  and 
he  looked  dreadfully  lonesome  and  longingly  at 

11 


12 


her,  and  hungry  to  hear  them,  she  invited  him 
to  spend  an  evening  with  "  Arkansas  musi 
cians,"  and  he  said  he  would. 

After  the  Girl  had  told  the  Liar  Man  about 
some  of  the  best  private  libraries  in  the  city 
and  had  given  him  the  information-  he  desired 
of  some  of  its  most  important  social  and 
study  organizations,  they  sat  down  to  get 
better  acquainted,  and  before  dinner  was  an 
nounced  the  Girl  had  been  informed  in  a  deli 
cate  and  charming  manner  by  the  Liar  Man 
that  the  reason  he  had  thus  far  pursued  the 
lonely  path  of  the  bachelor  boy  was  because 
of  his  great  and  powerful  devotion  to  an  aged 
and  infirm  mother. 

This  self-sacrifice  appealed  to  the  Girl,  and 
when  he  followed  it  up  by  mentioning  incident 
ally  that  he  was  brought  up  in  the  Baptist  faith 
she  felt  that  she  could  trust  him  implicitly. 
This  move  into  the  Baptist  faith  was  a  happy 
thought  of  the  Liar  Man,  who  took  his  tip  from 
the  sight  of  a  well-read  Baptist  paper  on  the 
library  table.  And  when  the  Liar  Man  waxed 
eloquent  in  his  praise  of  Arkansas  and  her  peo 
ple,  and  paid  a  tribute  to  Arkansas  women  be 
side  which  the  most  flowery  speech  he  had  ever 
made  a  chorus  girl  turned  pale,  the  Arkansas 
Girl  was  delighted  with  her  new  acquaintance, 
and  wished  Jack  had  traveled  as  much  and 
could  say  as  nice  things  as  the  Liar  Man. 

Then  came  dinner  at  a  table  shining  with  sil 
ver  and  cut-glass,  correct  in  its  appointments 
and  most  delightful  in  informal  hospitality. 
The  perfume  of  choice  flowers  filled  the  air,  and 

13 


once  more  outside  the  Colonial  mansion,  he 
looked  back,  rubbed  his  eyes  and  wondered,  like 
in  the  adjoining  conservatory  the  song  of  birds 
made  sweet  music. 
When  it  was  all  over,  and  the  Liar  Man  stood 


They're  Great  on  Having  a  Head  for  Things  in  Arkansas 


Aladdin,  if  it  were  true,  and  then  smiled  at 
thought  of  the  Girl.  She  was  as  far  superior  to 
any  type  of  woman  he  had  even  known  as  she 
was  different,  and  he  determined  to  cultivate 
her  friendship. 

Meantime  Jack,  blissfully  ignorant  of  the  in 
roads  made  in  her  estimation  of  him  by  the 
Liar  Man,  enjoyed  his  pipe-dream  of  the  time 
when  the  Girl  would  leave  the  Colonial  man 
sion  for  a  little  rose-grown  home  he  was  saving 
money  to  buy. 

14 


THE  "ARKANSAS  TRAVELER." 


The  next  morning  after  his  dinner  at  the 
Colonial  mansion  the  Liar  Man  started  on  a 
journey  out  into  the  country  after  something- 
nobody  knew  what. 

As  he  traveled  he  became  so  lost  in  happy 
reflections  of  his  meeting  with  the  Grirl  that  he 
lost  his  way,  and  after  wandering  around  in  the 
sticks  for  a  few  hours  he  came  in  sight  of  a 
humble  home  occupied  by  an  aged  couple  of 
poor  country  folk. 

The  Liar  Man  reined  his  horse,  asked  a  few 
questions,  and  finding  that  he  was  far  from 
home,  accepted  an  invitation  to  "  light,  take 
a  bite  and  rest." 

The  back-country  man  had  no  cut-glass  and 
would  not  have  known  an  olive  from  a  cocktail. 
His  wife's  bare  shoulders  had  never  glistened 
above  a  Paris  gown ;  they  were  not  of  the  glis 
tening  kind.  He  had  no  conservatory  with 
orchids.  He  had  no  orchestra  playing  heavenly 
music  behind  a  screen  of  palms.  But  the  Liar 
Man  was  not  so  accustomed  to  these  things  that 
he  couldn't  get  along  one  night  without  them, 
so  he  accepted  the  invitation  to  stop  until 
morning. 

His  hostess  proved  to  be  a  motherly  old  lady, 
who  welcomed  him  cordially  and  immediately 
set  about  preparing  him  food.  When  it  was 
ready  it  was  not  served  in  courses,  with  mono- 

15 


Faculty  Meeting  at  the  University  of  Arkansas. 


gram  napkins  and  Bohemian  finger-bowls,  and 
she  did  not  sit  opposite  him  and  shake  scintilla 
tions  from  diamond  ear-bobs  into  his  dazzled 
eyes.  He  sat  down  to  a  meal  of  hot  corn  cakes, 
a  pitcher  of  buttermilk,  a  slice  of  juicy  ham, 
and  some  fresh  butter  and  honey ;  and  while  he 
ate,  his  hostess,  who  was  fat  and  wobbled  like 
a  bowl  of  jelly,  stayed  near  to  give  him  fresh 
cakes  and  pour  his  milk ;  and  if  her  hospitality 
was  not  as  glittering,  it  was  as  genuine  as  that 
of  the  day  before. 

When  it  came  time  to  retire  the  "stranger" 
was  shown  to  a  low  room  overhead,  where  a 

16 


Suggested  by  a  Visit  to  the  Arkansas  Legislature. 


freckled  boy  with  stubby  hair  already  occupied 
the  bed.  The  "stranger"  crawled  in  and  slept 
the  sleep  of  the  just,  for  as  yet  he  had  not  lied 
on  Arkansas. 

In  the  morning,  when  he  awoke,  the  freckled 
boy  had  disappeared,  having  stolen  away 
quietly  lest  he  should  awaken  the  "stranger." 

He  glanced  about  and  noticed  a  turkey-tail 
fan  hanging  over  the  bed.  He  remembered  this 
afterward,  and  it  proved  to  be  worth,  money  to 
him  made  into  a  hen  in  a  story. 

After  a  good  breakfast  the  freckled  boy 
brought  his  horse  and  he  was  directed  on  his 
way. 

Because  his  host  had  never  read  "Chester 
field's  Letters  to  His  Son,"  nor  his  hostess 
attended  a  finishing  school  at  Washington  some 
little  extras  were  omitted  in  his  entertainment, 
such  as  pump-handle  handshaking  and  insincere 
flattery,  but  the  aged  country  couple  had  shown 
their  kindly  feeling  for  the  "stranger,"  and 
that  was  more  than  he  did  for  them,  for  out  of 
this  visit  grew  the  famous  "Arkansas  Trav 
eler"  story. 

In  this  story  he  described  his  first  meal  in 
Arkansas  as  consisting  of  generous  chunks  of 
female  swine  bosom— only  he  called  it  by  an 
other  name,  and  further  described  it  as  being 
decorated  with  "buttons;"  the  milk,  thick  with 
flecks  of  yellow  butter,  had  turned  into  lye, 
which  he  drank  because  it  was  called  coffee, 
and  which  skinned  his  throat;  the  flakey  bread 
was  "dodger"  that  he  wished  he  had  dodged, 
and  the  honey  and  butter  was  stewed  pumpkin 

18 


sweetened  with  sorghum.  The  turkey-tail  fan 
had  evoluted  into  a  sick  hen  which  roosted  on 
the  head  of  the  bed,  face  to  the  wall;  the  boy 
had  multiplied  many  times,  and  slept  "seven- 


Rus/in<?ss  Men  From  All  Sections  Attend  Conventions  in 
Little  Rock. 

teen  in  a  bed  in  Arkansas;"  the  fat  and  moth 
erly  hostess  was  pictured  as  a  cadaverous  hag 
with  one  tooth,  who  scraped  potatoes  with  her 
toenails,  and  simplified  housework  by  letting  the 
dogs  lick  the  frying-pan.  The  honest  old  host 

19 


had  retrograded  back  toward  the  human  ani 
mal  of  the  stone  age,  wild  eyed  and  with  cuckle- 
burrs  in  his  whiskers,  which  extended  all  over 
his  body.  He  wore  wide-top  boots;  the  leg  of 
one  filled  with  bottled  "bug  juice,"  the  other 
loaded  with  bowie  knives. 

The  rosebush  by  the  doorway  had  changed 
under-  the  magic  of  his  pen  into  the  hide  of 
some  impossible  animal  which  was  nailed  to 
the  side  of  the  house,  and  the  song  of  the  mock 
ing  bird  was  turned  into  the  bedlam  of  a  thou 
sand  frogs  that  "barked  like  hounds"  in  a 
nearby  swamp. 

The  Liar  Man  had  eaten  reprehensible  diet 
on  the  Bowery,  where  the  mingled  smell  of 
slop,  sour  beer,  spoiled  cabbage,  moldy  dish 
water  and  unwashed  immigrants  would  have 
driven  a  native  Arkansan  to  despair.  He  had 
heard  all  sorts  of  sounds  and  seen  all  sorts  of 
sights,  but  it  had  never  occurred  to  his  mind  to 
write  them  up  and  deliver  them  to  the  world 
as  prima  facie  evidence  of  New  York's  uncivil 
ized  and  barbaric  condition. 

But  Arkansas  was  different  from  New  York. 
He  could  afford  to  write  about  Arkansas;  pro 
vided  he  didn't  sign  his  own  name.  So  he 
wrote,  sent  the  "Arkansas  Traveler"  away, 
and  in  return  received  a  check. 
_  Meantime  he  had  called  on  the  Girl  and  de 
lighted  her  with  a  lovely  story  of  the  gracious 
hospitality  of  the  old  country  couple,  of  their 
humble  home  made  charming  even  in  its  pov 
erty  by  trailing  roses  and  the  songs  of  mocking 
birds,  and  he  drew  a  fine  picture  of  an  old 

20 


springhouse  which  had  never  existed,  and  told 
her  how  delicious  the  milk  tasted  that  had  been 
cooled  in  its  bubbling  fountain.  And  to  cap  the 
climax  of  this  interesting  report  he  brought  the 
Girl  a  toast  which  he  had  made  over  from  a 
book  of  poems,  and  told  her  he  iiad  written  it 
himself. 

TO  ARKANSAS. 

Where  was  it  Nature's  lavish  hand 
Prepared  the  best  and  happiest  land? 
In  that  great  State  so  good  and  grand — 
In  Arkansas. 

Where  are  men  brave  to  do  and  dare? 
Where  are  the  women  fond  and  fair? 
Where  peace  and  plenty? — Take  me  there — 
To  Arkansas. 

The  Girl  was  delighted  with  this  toast,  and 
she  felt  a  growing  admiration  for  the  Liar  Man 
which  boded  ill  for  Jack's  peace  of  mind  when 
he  should  discover  it. 


Brilliant  Member  of  the  Arkansas  Bar. 


21 


Infant  Industries  Flourish. 


--^ 


THE  ARKANSAS  LEGISLATURE. 


The  Liar  Man's  first  article  came  out  in  a 
funny  paper  under  the  alluring  caption,  "Po- 
dunk  in  Arkansas,"  in  which  Podunk  was  rep 
resented  as  a  traveler  bent  on  securing  an  un 
biased  account  of  the  manners  and  customs  of 
an  unknown  people. 

The  success  of  this  first  story  and  the 
cheering  proportions  of  the  check  it  brought 
spurred  him  on  to  more  daring  deeds  of  valor 
in  the  literary  world,  if  literature  deserves  to 
be  thus  scandalized,  and  in  looking  about  for 
something  else  to  describe  he  strolled  into  the 
Arkansas  Legislature. 

Here  he  found  a  body  composed  of  lawyers, 
teachers,  farmers,  business  men  and  a  few  poli 
ticians,  known  by  their  patent-leather  shoes  and 
their  eminently  pious  and  peaceful  counte 
nances.  The  lawyers  and  teachers  and  business 
men  looked  about  as  average  men  do ;  the  farm 
ers  were  not  wearing  patent-leather;  they  had 
too  much  regard  for  the  comfort  of  their  feet, 
and  their  tastes  also  ran  to  low  collars  worn 
loose.  One  fat  old  patriarch  from  Buckhorn 
Township  had  discarded  his  altogether,  and 
considered  it  nobody's  business  if  he  chose  to 
leave  his  short  neck  free  to  work  in  its  socket 
rather  than  to  be  hampered  on  every  side  by 
stiff  linen,  " which  was  powerful  expensive" 
when  it  came  to  washing. 

23 


The  unconventional  old  brother  meant  no  dis 
respect  to  his  patent-leather  colleagues,  and 
had  more  sense  in  a  minute  than  some  of  the 
men  who  sympathized  with  his  lack  of  aesthetic 
taste,  but  he  proved  to  be  the  very  hint  need 
ful  to  the  Liar  Man,  who  was  spoiling  to  write 
another  funny  story  descriptive  of  Arkansas 
from  the  viewpoint  of  Podunk. 


The   Legislator-Elect   Beads   Law. 

He  had  watched  the  course  of  legislation  and 
had  seen  it  crystallizing  into  such  laws  as  the 
initiative  and  referendum,  uniform  text-books, 
State  sanitarium  for  tuberculosis,  game  laws, 
appropriations  for  benevolent  and  educational 
institutions,  and  he  had  witnessed  the  gamest 
fight  he  had  ever  seen  in  a  legislature  over  the 
question  of  state-wide  •  prohibition.  In  short, 
he  found  such  legislation  as  a  moral  and  peace 
able  commonwealth  finds  necessary  in  a  day  of 
advanced  civilization. 

It  was  not  of  good  laws,  but  of  lawmakers, 
the  Liar  Man  proposed  to  write,  and  when  he 

24 


saw  the  Buckhorn  member  appear  without  a 
collar,  his  inspiration  was  complete,  and  he 
wrote  what  he  mentally  dubbed  a  "  cracker- 
jack"  about  the  Hay  Seed  and  Hill  Billie  as 
Lawmakers. 

In  this  story  he  pictured  an  election  time  in 
the  rural  districts  of  Arkansas,  and  described 
the  animation  that  took  place  at  the  hill  billie's 
home  when  it  became  certain  he  was,  to  go  to 
the  great  city  of  Little  Rock  to  help  make  laws. 
His  wife  caught  him  immediately,  curried  his 
whiskers,  and  began  to  cut  his  hair.  This  job 
took  all  day,  and  the  top  of  one  ear  was  cut  off 
in  trying  to  get  hold  of  the  heavy  growth  that 
hid  it.  After  the  haircutting  his  good  wife 
made  him  a  new  pair  of  pants,  and  the  neigh 
bors,  proud  to  be  of  service,  contributed  a  sum 
sufficient  to  purchase  a  black  oilcloth  valise. 
Meantime,  the  newly-elected  lawmaker  got  an 
almanac  and  a  blue-back  spejler,  and  stole  away 
to  educate  himself  so  that  he  might  be  able  to 
protect  the  interests  of  his  people  against  the 
machinations  of  the  ''high-collared  roosters" 
that  would  tax  him  and  "his'n"  until  he  would 
not  have  enough  left  to  buy  "cut-plug."  On 
the  fateful  day  of  his  departure  the  whole  fam 
ily  drove  twenty  miles  in  an  oxcart  and  for  the 
first  time  saw  a  "choo-choo"  train,  which 
scared  the  three  youngest  children  into  fits  and 
made  the  lawmaker  himself  nervous. 

Immediately  upon  reaching  the  city  the  legis 
lator  set  out  to  search  for  a  wagon-yard,  and 
was  delighted  on  finding  it  to  meet  several  fel 
low  lawmakers.  After  getting  a  ten-cent  lunch 

25 


"SAL  00 /V 


they  took  hold  of  hands  so  nothing  could  steal 
them  and  set  out  to  see  the  town.  In  their  trav 
els  they  met  a  Senator.  At  first  he  did  not 
have  their  confidence,  his  store-bought  clothing 
darkly  hinting  that  he  might  be  a  boodler.  But 
he  produced  credentials,  and  with  him  they 
took  their  first  taste  of  city  high  life  by  rid 
ing  on  electric  cars. 

They  all  enjoyed  it  but  the  Senator,  whose 
watch  gave  him  trouble.  Every  time  the  con 
ductor  rung  up  a  fare  the  Senator  set  his  watch 
five  minutes  ahead,  by  the  register,  and  by  the 
time  he  had  gone  around  twice  and  the  register 
marked  twenty-seven,  he  called  the  conductor 
and  inquired  what  kind  of  a  "l:lam<vl  clock" 
he  was  running  his  car  by. 

After  the  ride  the  party  went  sightseeing  on 
Main  street,  and  paused  before  a  display  win 
dow  showing  gents'  hose. 

"By  gum!  Does  everybody  wear  them 
things?"  the  First  Man  asked. 

"By  hen!    They  must,"  said  the  Second. 

"By  heck!  Men's  getting  to  be  just  like  whn- 
men,  hain't  they!"  said  the  Third. 

"By  golly!"  exclaimed  the  Fourth,  with  his 
eyes  set  on  a  pair  of  purple  beauties  with  red 
lines  on  them,  "them's  the  prettiest  I  ever 
seen.  I've  a  mind  to  try  a  set  when  I  draw 
pay,  I  be  durned  if  I  hevn't."  And  when  he 
learned  that  the  Senator  wore  sox,  he  said  he 
might  get  "two  set." 

After  lunching  on  a  hamburger,  they  turned 
their  faces  toward  the  wagon-yard,  but  were  in 
duced  by  the  Senator  to  move  to  a  four-dollar 

27 


boarding  house  as  a  residence  more  fitting  the 
dignity  of  their  positions  in  life. 

Here  they  said  their  prayers  and  crawled  in, 
leaving  the  last  man  to  put  out  the  light.    He 


Arkansas  Female  Suffragist 

blew  hard,  and  when  his  lung  power  was  all 
but  exhausted  a  fellow  from  under  the  cover 
called,  "Put  out  that  there  light!" 
28 


"I  can't.    The  blame  thing's  in  a  bottle." 

"Blow  in  good  and  hard." 

"I  can't  git  the  stopper  out." 

And  then  they  all  crawled  out  and  examined 
the  stopper,  and  finally  retired,  leaving  it  to 
burn. 

This  was  a  specimen  of  what  the  Liar  Man 
wrote.  The  supposed-to-be-funny  jokes  were  as 
old  as  the  hills,  but  it  didn't  matter.  Few  of 
those  who  read  it  would  ever  visit  the  Arkansas 
Legislature;  and,  after  giving  out  the  informa 
tion  that  booze  and  prosperity  meant  the  same 
to  the  Arkansas  Legislature,  and  putting  on  all 
sorts  of  finishing  touches,  he  went  out  to  an  XV. 
dinner  at  the  home  of  the  Girl.  Here  he  met  a 
brilliant  party  composed  of  business  and  profes 
sional  men,  among  them  being  iwo  Senators 
and  a  couple  of  Representatives.  Their  broad 
cloth  was  cut  in  correct  lines,  their  table  man 
ners  made  him  have  hard  work  in  acting  "like 
he  vas  ust  to  it,"  and  he  couldn't  keep  up  with 
the  conversation,  for  it  took  in  national  and 
international  topics  with  which  he  was  sadly 
unfamiliar. 

But  he  enjoyed  the  oysters  and  fish  and  salad> 
and  hoped  to  see  the  Girl  a  few  minutes  before 
he  went  home. 

His  wish  was  granted,  and  the  compliments 
he  paid  the  lawmaking  body  of  Arkansas  and 
its  members  would  have  made  a  small  book. 
The  Girl  appreciated  this.  Meantime,  the  best 
batch  of  lies  he  had  yet  written  was  on  its  way 
abroad  to  add  further  to  the  fame  of  Podunk. 

29 1 


30 


JACK  MAKES  CHARGES. 


The  Country  Club  at  Little  Bock,  with  a 
membership  of  one  hundred  of  the  represent 
ative  citizens  of  the  Capital  City,  offered  a  fine 
opportunity  for  the  Liar  Man  to  get  acquainted 
with  many  he  had  not  as  yet  met,  and  after  a 
time  the  long-hoped-for  invitation  came,  and 
he  was  a  guest  of  the  club.  After- a  delightful 
ride  on  the  famous  Pulaski  Heights  electric 
line,  popular  on  account  of  its  splendid  scenery 
and  fine  service,  and  a  short  walk  through  a  fine 
bit  of  wood,  the  Liar  Man  found  himself  at  the 
Country  Club,  where  he  was  received  with  that 
cordiality  that  marks  the  Southerner.  Here,  at 
one  of  the  best  appointed  country  clubs  in  the 
South,  he  smoked,  golfed,  enjoyed  the  magnifi 
cent  view  and  told  tales  which  added  to  his  im 
portance  by  those  who  believed  them. 

But  there  were  those  who  took  his  stories 
with  a  grain  of  allowance,  and  some  even  went 
so  far  as  to  accept  the  statement  of  their  abso 
lute  truth  with  a  mental  reservation  that,  told 
out  loud,  would  not  have  sounded  hospitable. 

One  of  these  happened  to  be  Jack. 

That  night  the  broad-shouldered  Arkansan 
called  on  the  Girl. 

"I  met  a  fellow  at  the  Country  Club  today 
who  gave  out  the  impression  that  he  has  a  pretty 
good  stand-in  out  here.  Who  is  he  I"  Jack  de 
manded. 

31 


"What  did  he  say?"  the  Girl  answered. 

"It  wasn't  so  much  what  he  said  as  the  infer 
ence  he  left.  It  made  me  red-headed. ' ' 

"There's  nothing  to  get  red-headed  about. 
Father  brought  him  out  here  one  night,  and  I 
invited  him  to  come  again.  He  is  thoroughly  in 


Printing* 

love  with  our  people,  and  so  enthusiastic  over 
the  future  of  our  State  that  I  enjoy  talking  to 
him. ' ' 

'And  he's  been  coming  to  see  you?" 
'Not  exactly  to  see  me." 
"But  he  sees  you?"  • 

Copyright,  1909,  by  Mrs.  Bemie  Babcock 


New  Edition 


33 


"He's  seen  me  a  few  times." 

"I  don't  know  what  you  find  in  him— what 
is  it  a  woman  admires  about  a  smooth-tongued 
fellow  of  his  kind?  Honest,  Margaret,  what  is 
it?" 

"He's  a  lovely,  cultured  gentleman.  He 
comes  of  a  fine  family,  his  ancestry  running 
back  through  three  hundred  years  of  Cavalier 
stock.  His  grandfather  founded  a  big  ^  New 
York  publishing  house,  in  which  he  has  inter 
ests.  He  is  talented,  and  writes  beautiful 
poetry,  and  he  never  had  a  sister— and  is  lone 
some  in  a  strange  place,  and  I  think  it's  as  little 
as  we  can  do  when  men  of  his  ability  visit  our 
State  to  treat  them  kindly." 

Jack  was  silent.  He  was  trying  to  recall 
something  he  had  heard  the  Liar  Man  tell  at 
the  club. 

Then  he  said:  "And  so  you  like  him.  Well, 
/  do  not,  and  I'm  going  to  tell  you  why.  I  have 
sized  him  up  as  a  full-fledged,  unmitigated  liar 
of  the  thoroughbred  sort. ;  and  you  know  that 
I  hate  a  liar  as  well  as  I  love  you." 

The  Girl  flushed.  "Jack,"  she  said,  sharply, 
"you  make  an  awful  charge  against  a  friend 
of  mine!" 

"How  do  you  know  he's  not  a  liar?" 

"How  do  I  know  it?  Why,  do  you  suppose 
a  man  who  is  as  devoted  as  he  is  to  his  Chris 
tian  mother  would  tell  lies  ? ' ' 

"How  do  you  know  he  has  a  Christian  moth 
er?" 

"He  says  she  is  a  Christian.  He  ought  to 
know!" 

34 


"How  do  you  know  he  has  any  mother  at 
all?" 

"He  says  so.    That's  why!" 

Jack  smiled.  "Liars  nearly  always  tell  lies," 
he  observed. 

"He  couldn't  tell  a  lie,"  she  continued. 
"He's  a  good  Baptist." 

"Who  said  so?" 

"He  did." 

"Hard  on  the  Baptists,"  Jack  observed,  "but 
a  liar  will  lie,  Baptist  or  no  Baptist.  This  man 
is  a  liar,  and  if  you  were  not  a  good  little  Sun 
day-school  girl  I  would  give  you  a  bracing  good 
idea  of  what  kind  of  a  liar  I  think  he  is." 

"I  am  shocked,  Jack,"  the  Girl  exclaimed. 
1 1 1  never  thought  you  would  use  such  language. 
It's  almost  as  bad  as  swearing  to  call  a  man  a 
liar,  and  it's  dangerous,  too.  Lots  of  men  have 
been  killed  for  calling  other  men  liars." 

"Are  you  afraid  the  clever  tale-teller  will 
blast  the  fond  hope  of  my  parents  and  send  me 
to  an  untimely  end  by  taking  my  young  life?  If 
you  are,  calm  your  fear,  mademoiselle!"  said 
Jack  with  melodramatic  effect.  And  then  he 
laughed. 

This  was  unfortunate.  It  always  made  the 
Girl  mad  to  be  laughed  at  by  Jack,  and  he  knew 
it. 

"Don't  worry  about  me,  little  girl,"  he  con 
tinued,  "but  look  out  for  the  other  fellow  or 
I'll  catch  him  out  here  some  night  and  make 
his  smiling  countenance  look  like  calf  liver." 

The  Girl's  eyes  were  flashing  and  her  cheeks 
had  red  spots  on  now. 

35 


"I  think,"  she  said  haughtily,  "that  you  had 
better  not  take  any  chances  on  meeting  my 
friend  out  here — at  least  not  until  you  cool 
down  somewhat  and  settle  back  into  the  habits 
of  a  gentleman.  I  should  not  like  to  have  any 
friend — least  of  all  this  one,  insulted  by  being 
called  a  liar,  and  to  see  his  face  beat  into  calf 
liver  would  certainly  be  very  embarrassing!" 

Ordinarily  Jack  would  have  laughed  again. 


Street  Scene  at  Brinklev. 


But  the  situation  was  getting  serious.  He  had 
never  seen  her  more  angry,  and  he  didn't  like 
the  way  she  spoke  to  him. 

"I  didn't  know  your  friendship  with  him  had 
reached  this  acute  stage,"  he  observed. 

"I  think  a  great  deal  of 'him."  she  observed 
stiffly. 

Jack  was  both  surprised  and  angry. 

He  hesitated  a  moment,  then  turned  toward 
the  door. 

1 1  Good-bye,  Kid, ' '  he  said.  "  I'll  not  be  back 
until  you  send  for  me. ' ' 

36 


"I  CHOOSE  YOU." 


The  evening  following  Jack's  last  call  on  the 
Girl,  the  Liar  Man  came  and  had  a  little  talk 
with  the  girl  on  ideals,  and  after  delicately  inti 
mating  that  he  had  found  his  ideal  woman  and 
that  she  was  not  far  away,  he  asked  what  quali 
ties  she  most  admired  in  men. 

"I  like  purpose,  honesty,  strength,  and  above 
all,  sincerity,"  she  said.  "There  is  so  much 
hypocrisy,  so  much  thin  veneer,  so  much  that  is 
untrue.  I  hate  insincerity.  As  an  indication  of 
character  it  is  an  unerring  sign  of  weakness 
and  duplicity.  The  woman  or  man  who  says 
sweet  words  to  one's  face  and  sticks  the  dag 
ger  of  insinuating  criticism  in  one's  back  is 
dangerous  always,  and  when  a  man's  ability 
puts  him  in  a  position  to  treat  national  men  and 
affairs,  or  communities  and  commonwealths,  he 
becomes  an  element  in  society  that  society 
should  put  down  when  he  is  false.  A  lie  is  not 
a  nice  topic  for  polite  conversation;  to  charge 
any  man  or  woman  with  being  a  liar  is  to  say 
the  worst,  for  back  of  a  lie  is  a  motive,  and  in 
this  motive  hides  the  danger.  And  yet  there 
are  liars,  and  some,  who  will  not  make  a  lie, 
love  one.  When  I  was  little  I  learned  a  verse 
about  "whosoever  loveth  or  maketh  a  lie."  I 
believe  liars  are  an  abomination  to  the  Lord, 
and  in  this  respect  at  least  I  am  like  Him, ' '  and 
the  Girl  paused. 

37 


The  Liar  Man  smiled  at  her  last  remark,  and 
then  leaned  back  in  his  leather  chair  and  let  an 
expression,  sad  and  wistful,  creep  over  his  face. 

"How  our  childhood  stays  with  us!"  he  said 
in  a  subdued  tone,  as  if  treading  on  the  thresh 
old  of  sacred  memories.  "I  learned  the  same 
verse,  when  I  was  little  that  you  did,  and  at 
my  mother's  knee  was  taught  that  a  lie  is  an 
abomination  to  the  Lord.  No  man  can  more 
appreciate  your  sentiment  on  this  question 
than  I." 

And  then  he  produced  a  poem  which,  he  said, 
he  had  written,  and  which  was  to  appear  in  a 
handsome  volume  he  was  issuing  through  the 
printing  plant  in  which  he  had  vested  interests. 

The  poem  was  entitled,  "I  Choose  You!" 

I    CHOOSE    YOU. 

The  world  is  a  wide  one  that  holds  you  and  me, 

And  peopled  with  folks  false  and  true, 

That  charm  many  hearts  as  they  come  and  they  go- 
But  1  choose  you. 

There  are  others  bewitching,  entrancing  and  gay, 

There  are  types  of  the  old  and  the  new; 

There  are  those  who  have  fortunes — some  few  who  have 
fame — 

But  I  choose  you. 

I  choose  you,  dear  heart,  for  I  love  only  one, 

Without  you  the  world  would  be  blue; 

So  in  all  the  vast  throng  you  are  dearest  to  me — 

And  I  choose  you. 
Copyright,  1908,  Mrs.  Bernie  Babcock. 

This  poem  he  stole  from  an  out-of-print  num 
ber  of  the  "Arkansas  Sketch  Book."  He  hesi 
tated  about  appropriating  it,  but  finally  de 
cided,  since  it  appeared  without  a  name,  that  if 
the  Girl  had  once  seen  it  and  raised  any  ques- 

38 


tion  as  to  its  author,  he  would  tell  her  he  con 
tributed  to  the  " Sketch  Book"  and  received 
ten  dollars  for  it. 

But  the  Girl  asked  no  questions.  She  slept 
with  it  under  her  pillow  and  wished  Jack 
had  more  sentiment  in  his  make-up.  He  never 
wrote  a  poem  in  his  life  and  escaped  reading 
as  many  as  possible. 


Eastern  Arkansas  Planter. 


39 


AN  ODE  TO  ARKANSAS. 

Written  for  the  Arkansas  Press  Association  of  1908. 

An   L.   E.   Or.   I   mean   to   write 

2  U,   dear  Bkansaw, 
A   State  without  a  || 

Yet  charged  with   many   a  flaw. 

In  fl's  hard   to  XQ'S 

Is   shown   a   lOdenC 
By   people    &   by   press   abroad 

Our  critics  fierce  2  B. 

They   say   our   heads   E   MT   Is 

Of  all  I  D  A's  new; 
Our  progress  has  gone  2  D  K 

&  we   E  going  2. 

They  from  the  truth  do  D  V  8. 

With  confidence  B  9 
Mbrace  your  oppur2niT 

To  tell  them  they  are — 


Don't  B  2  EZ.     U  have  had 

Great   40tude   B4. 
Get  out  your  t,  if  need  B, 

And  wade  through  C  's  of  gore. 

We   do  not  try  2   cut  a  

Nor  seem  so  1   drous  y's, 
Though   we   have   Sty   times   more   sense 

Than  those  who  tales  Dvise. 

The  riches  of  our  State  would  cause 

A  happy! 
The  beauty  of  our  girls  XQ's 

A  plea  for  annexation. 

Should   NE   NV  B   aroused 

'Tis  done  by  Nature's  SS" 
Who   blessed   with    beauty   &   great   wealth 

This  §  of  the  land. 

Here's  2  U  Ekansaw— Old  State!' 

Wake  up!     Use  all  your  I's 
In  XLNC  U  XL, 

In  spite  of  all  the  lies. 

40 


THE  LIAR  TELLS  THE  TRUTH 


The  Liar  Man  had  been  out  of  the  city  sev 
eral  weeks,  making  a  tour  of  Arkansas  with 
the  Business  Men's  Club,  which  intended  giv 
ing  the  State  some  extensive  advertising,  and 
on  this  State-wide  trip  he  had  secured  sufficient 
information  about  Arkansas'  present  prosper 
ous  condition  and  the  opportunities  the  future 
promised  its  wonderful  resources,  to  distort 
into  a  whole  library  of  lies. 

These  he  began  to  write  for  the  Podunk 
Papers,  but  it  was  none  of  these  he  told  the 
Girl  the  evening  he  spent  telling  her  the  inci 
dents  of  his  trip. 

In  his  account  he  took  the  Girl  with  him  on 
an  imaginary  trip.  After  a  pleasant  ride  over 
the  Rock  Island,  at  which  stops  were  made  at 
numerous  thriving  towns  along  the  way,  they 
arrived  in  the  border  city  of  Arkansas,  Fort 
Smith.  Here  they  received  a  royal  welcome. 
The  Liar  Man  found  seventy-five  miles  of 
paved  streets  to  go  automobiling  on;  he  found 
sixty  manufacturing  plants,  among  them  that 
of  the  Fort  Smith  Refrigerator  Company,  mak 
ing  the  finest  ice-boxes  in  the  country,  and  the 
Fort  Smith  Cracker  Company,  which  gave  him 
leave  to  eat  as  many  as  he  wanted  of  their  two 
hundred  kinds  of  cakes  and  crackers.  He  found 
a  great  brick  plant  baking  brick  in  three  ovens 
each  with  a  capacity  of  100,000  and  having 

41 


orders  for  three  years  ahead  to  supply  Fort 
Smith's  demands.  He  found  this  great  plant 
using  natural  gas  as  fuel,  and  learned  that 
within  a  radius  of  ten  miles  of  Fort  Smith 
there  are  over  sixty  natural  gas  wells,  with  a 
daily  output  of  100,000,000  feet,  and  that  this 
fuel  costs  less  than  the  cost  of  handling  coal, 
even  though  the  latter  is  close  at  hand.  He  found 


A  Bunch,  of  i'ort  Smith  Farmers. 


churches  and  homes  and  schools,  the  public 
schools  having  a  fund  of  a  million  dollars.  He 
found  splendid  electric  car  service,  an  Elec 
tric  Park  that  made  him  think  of  his  "own  dear 
Coney"  as  the  brightness  of  its  first  view  met 
his  eye,  and  a  Country  Club  built  and  main 
tained  in  a  manner  that  would  do  credit  to  New 
York. 

From  Fort  Smith  he  went  to  Van  Buren,  and 
picked  up  some  figures  on  the  fruit  shipment 
from  this  section,  which  netted  shippers  for 

42 


strawberries  $500,000,  for  peaches  $700,000, 
and  for  potatoes  $700,000  in  one  season.  He 
visited  Fayetteville,  the  "Athens  of  Ar 
kansas,"  and  was  surprised  and  delighted 
at  the  University  of  Arkansas.  When  the 
Liar  Man  arrived  in  the  tale  of  his.  travels 
at  the  home  of  the  big  red  apple,  he  de 
scribed  the  country  in  such  glowing  terms 
that  the  Girl  hardly  recognized  her  own 
home  land,  and  when  he  recounted  the  courte 
sies  shown  his  party  everywhere,  from  Boone- 
ville  to  Siloam  Springs  and  from  Yellville  to 
Harrison,  she  was  more  than  ever  certain  that 
no  better  people  could  be  found  in  any  land  or 
clime  than  those  in  Arkansas,  and  thought  the 
Liar  made  a  pretty  enough  speech  to  print 
when  he  spoke  of  the  "long-extended  orchard" 
in  "the  garden  spot  of  the  world,"  and  said 
the  people  of  Northwest  Arkansas  were  as  good 
to  get  acquainted  with  as  their  apples  were  to 
eat— and  as  true  at  heart.  She  didn't  know, 
poor  Girl,  that  he  had  already  written  a  hun 
dred  pages  of  something  that  didn't  sound  any 
thing  like  what  he  was  telling  her. 


Fort  Smith  'a  Four  Hundred  Put  on  a  Heap  of  Style. 

43 


He  described  to  the  Girl  a  visit  to  the  famous 
Poole  fruit  farm  at  Ozark,  and  a  delightful  en 
tertainment  at  ' '  The  Cabin, ' '  the  summer  home 
in  the  Ozark  Mountains  of  one  of  Little  Rock's 
popular  business  men.  He  mentioned  the  cul 
ture  and  refinement  he  found  at  every  turn, 
and  the  prosperity  and  progress  he  found 
working  hand  in  hand  at  Russellville  and  other 
towns  on  the  Fort  Smith  road.  He  had  nice 
things  to  say  of  Conway  and  Morrillton,  of  Au 
gusta  and  Hope  and  Newport  and  Jonesboro, 
of  Magnolia  and  Texarkana,  of  Arkadelphia, 
where  he  found  a  great  milling  plant ;  of  Pine 
Bluff,  which  he  described  as  the  "  queen  city  of 
lumber  and  cotton,"  and  devoted  some  time  to 
describing.  He  made  the  Girl  proud  and 
pleased  with  his  glowing  account  of  the  new 
roads  and  highways  at  Pine  Bluff,  of  its  won 
derful  mills  and  its  big-hearted,  progressive 
people.  He  told  about  the  prairie  cities;  of 
Stuttgart,  with  its  rice  mill  and  other  indus 
tries;  Lonoke,  and  the  flourishing  cities  and 
towns  in  Eastern  Arkansas,  where  millions  of 
acres  of  the  richest  land  in  the  world  yield 
such  crops  as  can  nowhere  but  in  such  soil  be 
duplicated.  He  was  a  guest  at  Blytheville  and 
numerous  other  Eastern  Arkansas  stopping 
points;  and  from  them  all  brought  something 
encouraging  to  tell  the  Girl,  who  was  delighted 
to  hear  so  good  an  account  of  her  State,  and 
especially  glad  that  it  came  to  her  from  an  out 
sider  who  was  beginning  to  make  Jack's  dream 
of  the  rose-grown  cottage  take  on  mighty  un 
certain  outlines. 

44 


When  lie  had  set  forth  the  rich  resources  of 
Arkansas  as  he  had  seen  them,  he  counted  off 
a  list  of  health  resorts  he  had  discovered  in 
Arkansas— from  Hot  Springs,  where  European 
nobility  comes  to  boil  out  and  retired  capital 
ists  congregate  just  to  see  which  can  outdo  the 
other  in  the  delightful  abandon  of  spending 
thousands  of  dollars  as  other  men  spend 
nickles,  to  Heber,  tucked  away  in  the  moun 
tains,  a  delightful  resting  place  for  the  trav 
eler  who  doesn't  wish  to  yacht  or  golf  or 
appear  in  full  dress  for  dinner  or  play  poker 
or  flirt  with  a  chorus  girl.  The  Girl  had  long 
known  of  Arkansas'  health  resorts,  and  had  vis 
ited  most  of  them,  but  she  liked  to  hear  the  Liar 
Man  give  his  impressions,  and  listened  as  if  it 
were  entirely  new  as  he  told  of  Eureka  Springs, 
with  its  fine  hotels  and  glorious  environs;  of 
Magazine,  the  beautiful  blue  pile  that  holds  its 
head  in  the  clouds;  of  Mount  Nebo,  with  its 
unparalelled  view  of  the  valleys,  its  many 
attractions,  not  the  least  being  the  quality  of 
the  people  one  meets  there;  Monte  Ne,  than 
which  there  can  be  no  more  delightful  place  for 
the  summer  tourist;  Lake  Village,  with  its  his 
toric  lake  and  fine  fishing;  Potash  Sulphur, 
Mammoth  Springs,  Silioam  Spring,  and  numer 
ous  other  mountain  and  spring  places.  Last, 
but  not  least,  Caddb  Gap  Springs,  which  have 
bubbled  into  the  limelight  to  draw  their  share 
of  health  and  pleasure-seekers. 

These  and  other  places  'of  interest  the  Liar 
Man  and  the  Girl  discussed,  and  when  she  asked 
him  why  he  didn't  write  about  them  as  he  had 

45 


told  her  of  them,  so  that  all  the  world  might 
know  a  stranger's  impressions  of  Arkansas,  he 
said  he  had  thought  of  it,  and,  while  his  talent 
lay  mostly  in  the  direction  of  poetry,  he  might 
later  get  up  a  series  of  articles  on  "A  Stran 
ger's  Impressions  of  Arkansas." 

The  Liar  Man  had  a  lot  of  stories  to  tell  the 
Girl,  but  he  had  spent  so  much  time  discoursing 
about  Arkansas  and  recounting  its  opportuni 
ties,  that  he  had  to  go.  And,  after  receiving 
an  invitation  to  call  the  next  night  and  tell  the 
stories,  he  hustled  off  to  add  a  few  lines  to 
'Podunk's  lastest.  A  thought  had  come  to  him, 
which,  properly  distorted,  would  make  story 
matter,  and  he  wanted  to  get  it  down  before  it 
got  away. 


Helena  Club  Woman 

46 


THE  LIAE  TELLS  A  FEW  LIES. 


One  of  the  charming  little  stories  the  Liar 
Man  told  the  Arkansas  Girl  was  about  another 
Arkansas  Girl  he  met  in  the  mountains. 

He  had  gone  on  a  yachting  party  up  White 
River  to  get  information  about  pearl  fishing, 
with  a  view  of  establishing  a  button  factory,  so 
he  said. 

With  the  skill  of  an  artist  the  Liar  Man  de 
scribed  the  scenery  along  White  River  as 
charming  as  that  of  the  Hudson,  with  its  blue- 
topped  mountains,  its  picturesque  gorges 
clothed  with  verdure,  its  forests  and  waterfalls. 
The  fact  was  he  had  not  been  traveling  with  an 
eye  for  natural  scenery,  and  was  giving  the 
Girl  a  description  read  from  a  book  of  travels, 
but  she  did  not  know  it.  He  described  the  pearl 
fishers  at  work,  and  told  the  Girl  he  got  on  the 
track  of  a  beautiful  violet  pearl  which  he  in 
tended  to  secure  and  present  to  her,  and  he 
-quoted  a  couplet  about  an  "Arkansas  girl  and 
an  Arkansas  pearl,"  which  made  her  sorry  he 
couldn't  get  the  pearl.  He  didn't  tell  her  the  rea 
son  he  failed  to  get  the  pearl  was  because  there 
was  no  such  pearl,  and,  if  there  had  been,  his 
present  bank  account  would  not  have  permitted 
an  investment.  After  the  pearl  industry  intro 
duction,  he  described  a  trip  into  the  mountains, 
and  told  the  mountain  maid  story.  In  this  he 
painted  a  picture  of  a  rosy-cheeked  maiden  com- 

47 


48 


ing  down  a  shady  path  with  a  calf.  Her  soft 
tresses  were  blowing  in  the  wind  and  her  short 
skirt  disclosed  a  pair  of  beautifully  shaped 
ankles  and  chubby  feet.  The  calf  was  a  little 
pet,  a  white-faced  Hereford,  and  was  as  gentle 
as  a  kitten. 

It  was  a  beautiful  picture,  and  the  Girl  had 
no  means  of  knowing  that  what  he  really  did 
meet  was  a  barefoot  country  girl  driving  a 
yearling  which  was  not  even  second  cousin  to  a 
Hereford,  and  which  was,  so  far  from  being 
gentle  as  a  kitten,  that  it  butted  the  Liar  Man 
out  of  the  path  because  he  was  not  gentleman 
enough  to  step  into  the  wet  grass  and  let  the 
girl  have  right  of  way.  The  only  honest  touch 
he  left  to  the  picture  was  a  snuff  stick  in  the 
girl's  mouth,  and  this  nearly  spoiled  the  pretty 
story  for  the  Girl. 

When  she  showed  her  disapproval  of  the 
snuff  brush,  and  the  short  skirt,  the  Liar  Man 
at  once  proved  to  her^that  it  was  no  worse  for 
a  country  girl  to  dip  a  sweet  gum  twig  into 
ground  tobacco  and  hold  it  in  her  mouth  than 
for  a  society  girl  to  roll  her  tobacco  in  a  ciga 
rette  and  smoke  it.  The  country  girl  carried 
her  tobacco  in  a  little  tin  box,  the  city  girl  car 
ried  hers  in  a  silver  cigarette  case.  Which  was 
worse?  And  then,  in  a  fatherly  and  delicate 
manner,  he  showed  the  Girl  that  Dame  Fashion 
stood  sponsor  for  exceeding  scarcity  of  wear 
ing  apparel  on  the  female  human  frame  if  the 
starting  point  be  well  taken,  a  shortness  of  ap 
parel  going  down  being  permissible.  Inasmuch 
as  custom  permits  this  shortage  of  garment  go- 

49 


ing  down,  why  should  custom  condemn  no  great 
er  scarcity  when  the  starting  point  was  the  other 
mean  extremity?  The  Girl  had  never  thought 
of  the  matter  in  this  light,  and  the  fatherly  wis 
dom  of  the  Liar  Man  was  even  more  attractive 
to  her  than  his  talent  for  poetry. 

Another  story  he  told  her  was  of  a  fox  hunt 
in  Eastern  Arkansas  when  he  was  the  guest  of 
a  well-known  Senator  who  knows  every  fox  trail 
in  Arkansas  and  has  the  finest  pack  of  hounds 
in  the  State. 

"Did  you  kill  a  fox?"  the  Girl  asked  eagerly. 
"I've  always  wanted  a  brush." 

"No,  but  I  killed  a  bear,"  the  Liar  Man  said, 
and  then  he  explained  why  he  didn't  get  a  fox, 
and  told  how  he  got  the  bear.  The  story  was 
so  exciting  the  Girl  held  her  breath  and  feared 
for  the  life  of  her  brave  friend,  and  if  she  had 
not  seen  him  before  her,  she  would  have  been 
certain  he  met  death,  so  hazardous  was  his  posi 
tion  and  so  enraged  the  bear. 

She  had  no  means  of  knowing  the  bear  was 
made  over  from  a  half-starved  pig,  and  that  the 
party  who  was  doing  the  running  was  the  man 
instead  of  the  bear. 

Once,  a  long  time  after,  when  she  and  Jack 
were  entertaining  in  their  own  little  home,  she 
heard  the  story  from  the  Senator  and  laughed 
as  heartily  as  Jack. 

She  didn't  know  yet  that  she  ever  would  hear 
an  untruth  escape  from  the  lips  of  the  brave 
bear-killer,  and,  so  far  as  Jack  was  concerned, 
she  hadn't  thought  of  the  little  home  with  him 
for  a  month. 

Jack  surmised  as  much.    That's  what  hurt. 

50 


HOW  THE  RAZOR-BACK  HAPPENED. 


One  of  the  most  successful  lies  the  Liar  Man 
told  on  Arkansas  was  the  outgrowth  of  his  tour 
over  Arkansas  with  the  Business  Men's  Spe 
cial. 

At  every  point  he  shut  his  eyes  to  facts  and 
conjured  up  far-fetched  tales.  The  splendid 
business  men  of  Fort  Smith,  who  had  so  hand 
somely  entertained  him,  he  referred  to  as  "a 
bunch  of  Fort  Smith  farmers,"  and  the  touring 
car  that  whirled  him  over  the  paved  streets  of 
a  fine  city  degenerated  into  a  shack  pulled  by  a 
pair  of  jack- rabbit  mules.  The  splendid  report 
of  the  fruit  industry  he  had  secured  at  Van 
Buren,  changed  into  a  poem  which  appeared  as 
follows  in  Podunk  Literature : 

It  was  in  the  year  of   '82,  in  the  merry  month  of  June, 
That  I  landed  in  Van  Buren  one  sultry  afternoon. 
A  walking  skeleton  came  up  to  me  and  handed  out  his  paw 
And  invited  me  to  his  hotel,  "The  best  in  Arkansas." 

I  followed  this  landlord  unto  his  dwelling  place, 
Poverty  was  depicted  in  Ms  melancholy  face, 
His  beard  it  was  corn-dodgerr  his  beef  I  couldn't  chaw, 
And    that    'a   the    kind    of    chuck    I    got    in    the    State    of 
Arkansas. 

I  started  out  next  morning  to  catch  an  early  train. 

Said  he,  "You   'd  better  work  for  me,  I  have  some  land  to 

drain ; 

I  '11  give  you  fifty  cents  a  day,  your  board  and  lodge  and  all, 
And  you  '11  find  yourself  a  different  man  wnen  you  leave  old 

Arkansas. 

51 


I  worked  six  weeks  for  this  galoot,  Jess  Herald  was  his 

name; 

He  stood  seven  feet  in  his  boots,  he  was  tall  as  any  crane; 
His  hair  hung  down  in  ringlets,  down  o'er_his  lantern  jaw; 
He  's  the  photograph  of  all  those  gents  who  are  raised  in 

Arkansas. 

He  fed  me  on  corn-dodger,  as  hard  as  any  rock, 

My  teeth  began  to  loosen  and  by  knees  began  to  knock; 

I  got  to  thin  on  sassafras  tea  I  could  hide  behind  a  straw, 

And  indeed  I  was  a  different  man  when  I  left  Arkansas. 

I  got  aboard  an  evening  train,  a  quarter  after  five, 

And  started  out  for  Coffeyville,  half  dead  and  half  alive; 

I  got  a  quart  of  whisky  my  troubled  mind  to  thaw, 

And  I  got  drunk  as  a  boiled  owl  when  I  left  Arkansas. 

Farewell   to  sage   and  sassafras  tea  and  those   corn-dodgei 

pills, 

Farewell  to  the  ague,  the  canebreaks,  and  the  chills; 
If  ever  I  see  that  land  again,  I  '11  hand  to  you  my  paw, 
For  that  will  be  through  a  telescope  from  here  to  Arkansas. 

Farewell  to  Jesse  Herald,  likewise  hlis  darling  wife; 
I  never  can  forget  her  to  the  last  day  of  my  life; 
She  put  ber  little  hand  in  mine  and  tried  to  squeeze  my  paw 
Said   she,    "Dear   Bill,   remember  me   when   you   leave    old 
Arkansas. ' ' 

The  episode  with  the  mountain  maid  and  the 
calf  afforded  him  a  valuable  hint  for  a  picture 
of  an  Arkansas  woman,  which  he  introduced  by 
describing  the  domestic  calf  of  Arkansas,  a  fierce 
creature  known  to  attack  the  human  in  broad 
daylight,  and  which  can  only  be  kept  under  con 
trol  by  half-wild  women  of  great  size,  who 
roam  the  fields  and  climb  the  hills,  chew  green 
twigs  and  eat 'clay.  The  more  civilized  moun 
tain  maids  have  hair  of  a  bleached  yellow  and 
coarse,  like  frayed  rope.  Their  heads  are 
shaped  like  wasp  nests,  they  have  mouths  like 
a  fish,  and  wear  "panties"  made  of  flour  sacks, 

52 


which  hang  down  to  their  ankles.  The  affluent 
among  these  country  girls  have  a  new  red  calico 
dress  once  a  year.  The  middle  and  poorer 
classes  have  but  one  garment  per  year,  and  all 
look  alike,  for  whatever  color  these  gowns  were 
in  the  beginning,  they  grow  into  the  same  color, 
never  having  been  washed. 

As  he  thought  of  the  severity  with  which  the 
calf  had  butted  him  out  of  the  path  he  enlarged 
on  the  Arkansas  girl  article  until  he  had  made 
one  of  his  most  famous  stories. 

He  then  turned  his  attention  to  the  fox  hunt, 
and  the  great  bear  that  he  didn't  kill,  and  pro 
ceeded  to  get  even  with  a  little  Arkansas  pig 
which  had  scared  the  wits  entirely  out  of  him, 
by  telling  lies  even  on  this  innocent  animal. 

The  hunting  party  was  sleeping  peacefully 
when  the  Liar  Man  became  aroused  by  the  clat 
ter  of  cooking  utensils.  Seizing  a  gun,  he 
rushed  toward  the  cooking  tent,  when  some- 
tning  came  snorting  along  that  scared  the  day 
lights  nearly  out  of  him  at  the  first  snort. 
Throwing  his  gun  at  the  evil  beast,  hoping 
thereby  to  stay  it  a  moment  in  its  mad  endeavor 


Evidences  of  Civilization  in  Arkansas. 


53 


to  bite  him,  he  galloped  in  the  direction  of  the 
nearest  tree,  crying  mightily  for  help.  By  this 
time  the  bear  looked  every  inch  of  seven  feet 
tall,  with  teeth  a  foot  long,  and  blood  and  fire 
in  its  eye. 

When  his  companions  arrived  to  his  rescue 
they  found  a  pig  trotting  into  the  shadows. 
This  was  the  bear. 

It  was  some  time  before  his  beating  heart 
steadied  itself  so  that  he  could  climb  to  the 
ground.  When  he  arrived  on  terra  firma  he 
found  himself  intact,  with  the  exception  of  cer 
tain  portions  of  his  pajamas  that  were  left 
sticking  on  the  scaly  bark. 

But  he  got  even  with  the  pig  by  manufactur 
ing  him  into  twenty-seven  varieties  of  the  Ar 
kansas  razor-back,  each  one  worse  than  the  last, 
from  an  old  he  animal  used  for  sawing  timber 
into  logs  to  a  little  fellow  used  for  boring  key 
holes. 

Thus  it  came  to  pass  that,  while  the  Busi 
ness  Men's  Special  was  touring  the  State,  get 
ting  facts  and  figures  about  Arkansas  to  develop 
a  yet  "greater  Arkansas,"  the  guest  on  whom 
they  were  bestowing  every  courtesy  and  kind 
ness  was,  by  their  expenditure  of  time  and 
money,  getting  together  such  a  batch  of  lies  as 
would  make  the  effort  of  the  Business  Men's 
Club  twenty-five  years  slow  in  developing,  so 
great  does  the  speeding  power  of  a  lie  exceed 
that  of  the  truth. 

There  was  something  with  better  speeding 
power  than  truth  on  the  track  of  the  Liar  Man, 
however. 

54 


11  FLORA  AND  FAUNA." 


Once,  away  back  in  the  days  of  his  childish 
innocence,  the  Liar  Man  had  gone  to  school  and 
had  heard  about '  *  flora  and  fauna. ' '  This  •  came 
to  him  now  as  a  good  title,  and  so  he  wrote 
about  the  flora  and  fauna  of  Arkansas. 

In  his  travels  he  had  seen  more  wild  flowers 
in  Arkansas  than  he  had  ever  seen  before,  and 
had  heard  more  bird  music  and  had  enjoyed 
more  good  hunting  and  fishing. 

He  had  seen  Pulaski  Heights  when  its  slopes 
and  dells  were  purple  with  violets.  He  had  seen 
the  snowy  blossoms  of  the  dogwood  gleaming 
through  the  trees,  and  had  stood  in  admiration 
before  the  stately  magnolia,  with  its  giant  blos 
soms.  He  had  sniffed  the  air,  fragrant  with 
wild  plum  and  hawthorn  blooms.  He  had  seen 
the  scarlet  trumpet  vine  in  all  its  beauty,  and 
the  wild  rose  growing  in  profusion.  He  had  ad 
mired  rose-pink  poppies  growing  on  grassy 
slopes,  purple  iris  on  its  wiry  stems,  white 
daisies,  snapdragon,  phlox,  spring  beauty  and 
ferns  such  as  would  be  the  envy  of  a  New  York 
hothouse.  He  had  trod  under  the  pillared  aisles 
of  Arkansas  forests,  and  had  admired  the  glory 
of  the  oak,  the  stately  pride  of  the  pine,  the 
feathered  crest  of  the  cypress,  the  lacework  of 
the  gum  and  elm  branches,  and  the  grace  of 
swinging  willows.  He  had  reveled  in  the  beauty 
of  fern-grown  dell,  mossy  valley  and  wooded 
mountain. 

He  had  heard  the  plaintive  music  of  the  wild 

55 


56 


dove  mourning  in  some  thicket;  he  had  heard 
the  meadow  lark  and  the  glorious,  umnatchable 
song  of  the  mocking  bird.  He  had  hunted  the 
turkey,  and  had  listened  with  delight  to  the 
story  of  early  days,  when  wild  turkeys  flocked 
the  woods  in  such  droves  that  the  pioneer  could 
stand  in  his  cabin  door  and  shoot  them  by  the 
dozen.  He  had  hunted  deer  and  found  game 
fish. 

But  when  he  came  to  write  his  "flora  and 
fauna"  article,  it  developed  that  Podunk  was, 
in  a  frame  of  man,  even  to  "out-Podunk  Po 
dunk." 

About  all  he  could  think  of  in  the  flora  line 
was  stinkweed  and  poison  ivy.  "The  first,"  he 
wrote,  "grows  everywhere,  and  emits  such  an 
odor  that  health  officers  have  organized  a  cru 
sade  against  it  and  have  ordered  it  buried  as 
fast  as  discovered. ' '  And  he  told  .a  funny  story 
about  a  boy  that  put  some  in  his  father's 
trouser  pockets,  and  his  wife  got  a  divorce  be 
cause  he  wouldn't  wash  his  feet.  "Poison 
ivy,"  he  wrote,  "was  less  offensive,  but  more 
dangerous.  A  beautiful  vine,  growing  in  profu 
sion,  it  is  often  picked  by  the  unsuspecting, 
when  its  deadly  poison  proves  fatal.  If  the  vic 
tim  simply  inhales  the  deadly  atmosphere  which 
surrounds  it  he  will  soon  break  out  in  pimples, 
which  develop  into  blisters  and  then  into  warts. 
These  warts  are  very  painful,  but  the  natives 
welcome  them,  as,  in  case  they  do  not  appear, 
the  poison  will  go  to  the  head  and  swell  it  to 
enormous  proportions.  Persons  with  this  affec 
tion  are  said  to  have  the  "big  head."  If  water 

57 


gets  on  the  brain  when  the  head  is  in  this  en 
larged  condition  it  drowns  the  intelligence.  The 
reason  so  many  of  the  natives  of  Arkansas  lack- 
intelligence  is  due  entirely  to  the  poison  ivy, 
and  not  .to  any  prenatal  suggestion  or  paternal 
influence,  neither  of  which  ever  bother  Arkan 
sas  people.  The  scrub  oak  is  seen  everywhere. 
It  takes  twenty  to  make  an  ordinary  tree.  They 
are  used  principally  for  building  rail  fences 
and  farmhouses,  and  the  largest  limbs  make 
good  brush  for  bean  vines. ' ' 

When  he  came  to  the  "fauna"  he  marshaled 
up  a  long  train  of  wild,  weird  and  rapacious  in 
sects,  wild  and  domestic  animals  and  natives. 


58 


Springs  in  Arkansas  Are  Well  Patronized. 


He  started  with  the  tarantula,  and  gave  out 
information  to  the  effect  that  "its  size  equals 
that  of  a  dinner  plate;  it  jumps  like  a  leopard 
and  gallops  like  a  hound,  and  hides  by  the  road 
side,  from  whence  it  springs  on  solitary  travel 
ers,  drags  them  to  the  underbrush  and  kicks  the 
stuffing  out  of  them  with  its  powerful  hairy 
legs."  This  made  a  thrilling  story.  Then  he 
described  the  centipede  as  a  deadly  carnivorous 
insect,  with  a  thousand  legs,  which  live  in  set 
tlements  and  go  out  on  the  hunt  like  a  human. 
Their  claws  are  so  horny  they  sound  when  trav 
eling  over  the  rocks  as  if  they  wore  shoes." 
The  mosquito  came  next,  and  was  written  of  as 
an  attraction  "never  billed  and  yet  never  seen 
unbilled,  its  bill  being  obtruded  many  times, 
when  it  is  considered  quite  a  bore."  This 
sounded  so  smart  he  wanted  to  read  it  to  the 
Girl,  only  he  didn't  dare.  From  the  mosquito 
the  Liar  Man  moved  his  pen  down  to  the  tick. 

He  had  been  to  numerous  picnics  and  garden 
parties  and  had  never  seen  a  tick.  But  he  had 
learned  from  the  dictionary  that  they  were 
found  in  most  Southern  States,  so  he  located  a 
million  in  Arkansas,  and  described  the  harrow 
ing  manner  in  which  they  fasten  their  glutton 
ous  clutches  on  the  human  frame  and  use  it  for 
lunch  purposes,  and  when  his  description  was 
at  an  end  he  told  a  story  of  a  tick  which  grew 
so  big  it  was  mistaken  for  a  bed  tick. 

After  this  sally  the  Liar  Man  moved  from  the 
insect  into  the  bird  world,  and  mentioned  buz 
zards  and  bullfrogs  as  the  principal  song  birds 

59 


of  Arkansas.  The  first  is  a  warbler  of  some 
note,  whose  song,  "Hark,  From  the  Tombs," 
can  be  heard  almost  anywhere  in  Arkansas.  He 
says  this  bird  is  held  in  veneration  by  the  com 
mon  classes,  and  is  the  best-fed  animal  in  the 
State.  Complimentary  to  the  bullfrog,  he  said 
the  Arkansas  bullfrog  was  the  finest  singer  he 
had  ever  heard. 

Before  he  reached  the  larger  animals  he  had 
run  out  of  anything  to  say,  and  only  mentioned 
dogs,  which,  he  said,  were  "indiginous  to  the 
soil"  and  grew  to  such  proportions  it  took 
dynamite  to  move  them  unless  they  had  a  mind 
to  go.  He  also  spoke  briefly  of  a  "hard-tail,"  a 
nearly  extinct  animal  he  had  on  a  few  occasions 
seen  plowing  with  a  woman  in  some  isolated 
districts. 

When  he  had  finished  this  he  went/out  and 
bought  a  copy  of  "Pictures  and  Poems  of  Ar 
kansas,"  in  green  leather  binding,  and  took  it 
out  to  the  Girl. 


Little  ROCK  (Society  Man. 

60 


,  AKANSAS  STATE  FAIR. 


The  Liar  Man  concluded  to  go  to  the  State 
Fair  and  see  what  Arkansas  could  get  up  in  the 
way  of  an  exhibit. 

When  he  arrived  at  Beautiful  Oaklawn  he 
was  agreeably  surprised,  for  although  its  fame 
had  reached  even  to  New  York,  where  he  had 
heard  it  discussed  at  Belmont  Park,  he  was  not 
prepared  for  just  the  picture  that  met  his  view. 

The  State  Fair  was  also  a  surprise.  He  had 
been  over  the  State,  but  had  not  seen  its  prod 
ucts  collectively.  Here  they  were— cotton  and 
corn  and  rice  and  fruit  and  vegetables,  and 
plenty  of  people  were  enjoying  it.  Eastern 
tourists,  Arkansas  business  men  and  farmers 
rubbed  elbows,  and  the  Liar  Man  grew  inter 
ested  in  watching  them  and  hearing  the  differ 
ent  expressions  of  what  they  saw. 

He  visited  the  interesting  places  of  Hot 
Springs,  and  found  it  to  be  well  entitled  to  its 
worldwide  fame.  Here  were  numerous  springs 
giving  out  1,000,000  gallons  of  water  daily 
for  the  healing  of  the  nations.  Here  were  hotels 
of  magnificent  proportions  and  palatial  furnish 
ings;  here  was  the  Army  and  Navy  Hospital, 
and  the  beautiful  mountain  reserves,  with  their 
picturesque  scenery  and  delightful  mountain 
drives. 

But  in  the  story  he  wrote  of  Podunk  at  Hot 
Springs  he  didn't  mention  any  of  these  attrac- 

61 


tions.  He  had  a  drawing  made  which  was  sup 
posed  to  be  very  funny,  with  the  inscription, 
"The  springs  of  Arkansas  are  well  patron 
ized."  The  State  Fair  made  a  splendid  topic 
for  a  big  lie,  and  he  wrote  it.  Its  main  features 
were  "a  lot  of  pumpkins,  a  few  chunks  of  coal,  a 
pig  just  recovering  from  the  measles,  a  cow  that 
looked  like  an  extinct  bicycle,  and  innumerable 
"Reubens"  trying  to  buy  gold  watches  for 
fifteen  cents  a  chance,  and  walking  home  as  a 
result  of  the  purchase.  In  this  article  he  de 
scribed  Paw  and  Maw  Peters  on  "the  Pike," 
writing  something  like  this : 

"Paw,"  said  a  little  old  lady  with  big  spec 
tacles,  as  she  clutched  the  arm  of  a  stoop-shoul 
dered  man  with  a  red  handkerchief,  who  stood 
under  a  megaphone  in  front  of  a  tent,  "does  the 
feller  say  'fleas?'  " 

"If  my  ears  hain't  turned  to  wood  he  does 
say- 'fleas.'  Yes,  Maw,  he  says  'fleas.'  " 

"Fleas!  fleas!"  she  exclaimed,  "thirty  thou 
sand  dollars  worth  of  fleas!  Who  ever  heard 
tell  of  thirty  thousand  dollars  worth  of  fleas ! ' ' 
and  she  turned  her  ear  in  the  direction  of  the 
megaphone  and  listened  as  the  spieler  continued 
his  uninterrupted  spiel. 

"Don't  it  beat  anything  you  ever  heard  tell 
of?  He  does  say  'fleas.'  Paw,  what  sort  of 
fleas  do  you  reckon  these  is?  They  ain't  no 
common  dog  fleas,  certain." 

"Electrical  fleas,  I  reckon,"  he  answered, 
thoughtfully. 

"Electrical  fleas?" 

"I  reckon  they  must  be.    That  would  account 

62 


fer  their  hoppin'.  Electricity  could  make  'em 
hop  to  beat  the  band. ' ' 

"Listen,  Paw,  he's  tellin'  something,"  and 
the  farmer  and  Mrs.  Peters  moved  closer  to  the 
megaphone. 

"Marvelous  performance!"  he  was  shouting, 
"exhibiting  all  but  human  intelligence  in  their 
spectacular  gymnastic  feats.  Come  on!  Come 
on!" 


"Paw,  What  Sort  of  Fleas  Do  You  Keckon  These  Is 


63 


"This  here's  a  bunco,  Maw.  Let's  pass  it 
up." 

Just  then  the  megaphone  turned  in  the  direc 
tion  of  the  interested  pair  of  listeners.  ' '  Come 
on!  This  way  to  see  real  live  fleas  do  marvel 
ous  stunts.  Satisfaction  guaranteed  or  money 
refunded.  Pass  in.  Hurry!  Hurry!"  , 

"I  saw,  Paw,  we  better  investigate  this  here 
flea  business.  If  fleas  is  comin'  into  use,  I  got 
some  to  sell.  I  bet  this  here  whole  flea  circus 
hain't  got  a  flea  in  it  as  big  as  them  on  old  Tige, 
and  I  never  dreamed  they  was  worth  anything. 
Let's  go  in." 

They  next  stopped  in  front  of  a  tent  decorated 
with  the  picture  of  a  big  blue  giant,  a  man  with 
a  megaphone  shouting. 

"Mountain  of  flesh!"  repeated  Mrs.  Farmer 
Peters.  "Paw,  don't  you  reckon  he's  stretchin' 
it  mightily?" 

Farmer  Peters  eyed  the  tent  critically.  '  *  She 
hain't  no  mountain,  sure.  But  if  that  place 
bulging  up  at  the  top  is  her  head,  she's  big  as  a 
house.  Remember  them  pictures  in  Sam's 
Christmas  book  about  a  feller  named  Gulliver? 
He  run  acrost  some  whoppers  in  his  time.  Like 
enough  they've  caught  one  of  them  somewhere. 
You  know,  Maw,  money  can  get  anything.  I  like 
fat  women.  Let 's  go  in  and  see  this  one. ' '  And 
Farmer  Peters  turned  toward  the  tent. 

From  the  fat  lady 's  tent  they  went  to  see  the 
Alligator  Girl  and  heard  that  civilization  has 
done  little  for  her.  * '  She  has  a  remarkable  ap 
petite  for  dog  and  a  fondness  for  geese,"  the 
megaphone  man  shouted.  "Untamed  and  at 

64 


home  with  alligators,  she  is  the  curiosity  and 
puzzle  of  the  age.  Don't  miss  this  opportunity 
of  seeing  the  Alligator  Girl.  Spectators  warned 
not  to  arouse  her.  She  bites.  This  way!  This 
way ! ' ' 


«* 


'<*•• 


The  People  Gathered  to  See  the  Mountain  of  Flesh. 

"Let's  step  in,  Maw,  unless  you  're  afraid  of 
gettin'  bit,"  said  Paw  Peters. 

"You  're  more  apt  to  get  bit  than  I  am. 
You's  bin  bit  more  'n  once,"  she  retorted,  and 
they  went  in. 

In  and  out  of  the  cheap  shows  they  went, 
until  at  last  they  stopped  before  a  show  which 
Maw  Peters  objected  to. 

65 


"Paw  Peters!  Paw  Peters,  where  're  you 
go  in'?"  she  panted,  when  he  paused  at  the 
ticket  office,  digging  in  his  trouser  pocket  for 
coin. 

"Paw  Peters!  Paw  Peters!"  his  alarmed 
companion  exclaimed,  "where  are  you  going?" 

"Two  tickets— front  row  tickets— and  hurry 
up,"  he  said,  as  he  threw  down  a  half-dollar. 

"Paw  Peters,"  his  wife  exclaimed  in  dismay, 
"this  here  ain't  no  place  for  you!" 

"I'll  be  blest  if  it  ain't,"  he  answered. 

"But  you're  a  deacon  in  the  Baptist  church." 

"Deacon  nothin',"  he  exclaimed.  "Come  on 
if  you  want  to  go  with  me,  and  hurry!" 

And  the  poor    soul    was  dragged  in  to  see 

Cleo. 

**##***## 

Just  and  right  it  was  to  follow  that  E^tribu- 
tion,  armed  to  the  teeth,  was  to  overtake  the 
Liar  Man  in  this  city  in  which  he  now  compla 
cently  wrote  lies. 


66 


LITTLE  BOCK. 


With  the  evident  belief  in  saving  the  best 
until  last,  the  Liar  Man  reserved  his  funny 
story  about  Little  "Rock  until  he  had  paid  his 
compliments,  per  Podunk,  to  every  other  sec 
tion  of  the  State. 

He  knew  Little  Rock  pretty  well  by  now.  He 
was  well  acquainted  with  the  officers  and  mem 
bership  of  its  Board  of  Trade,  its  Business 
Men's  League  and  its  Retail  Merchants'  Asso 
ciation.  He  had  been  a  guest  at  their  lunch 
eons  for  the  upbuilding  of  a  "  greater  Little 
Rock."  He  had  noted  on  every  hand  the  nu 
merous  evidences  of  healthy  city  growth,  the 
erection  of  splendid  public  and  business  build 
ings,  the  improvement  of  streets  and  the  in 
crease  in  the  volume  of  business.  He  had  seen 
forty  thousand  bales  of  cotton  at  one  ware 
house,  stretching  away  in  avenues  like  minia 
ture  barlap  houses,  and  had  learned  of  the  im 
portance  of  Little  Rock  as  a  cotton  center;  and 
yet  he  said  its  business  men  were  "mossbacks" 
and  its  commerce  like  that  of  a  country  village. 

He  had  been  a  guest  at  the  Country  Club,  the 
Athletic  Association,  the  Quapaw  Club,  the 
Scottish  Rite  Consistory,  and  the  Elks'  Home. 
He  had  swam  in  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  natatorium  and 
bowled  in  its  alleys.  He  had  been  a  guest  of 
the  Automobile  Club,  the  Shooting  Club  and  the 
Yachting  Club.  He  had  heard  Yaw  and  Nor- 
dica  and  Calve  and  Patti  at  the  Opera  House, 

67 


and  had  been  to  lectures  and  musicales  and  box 
and  dinner  parties  innumerable;  and  yet  he 
said  there  was  no  social  life  in  Arkansas 's  cap 
ital  city,  because  of  the  fossilized  ideas  of  the 
people  who  didn't  want  their  young  people  to 
go  to  anything  more  exciting  than  Sunday 
school,  lest  they  should  become  ' '  worldly  mind 
ed,  ' '  nor  their  old  people  anything  more  wicked 
than  prayer  meeting. 


Little  Rockers  Looking  at  the  First  Four-Story  Sky-Scraper 
Built  in  the  Capital  City. 

He  had  seen  the  handsome  new  Little  Rock 
Library;  had  read  in  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  library; 
had  been  to  the  Co-operative  Library,  and  had 
been  offered  the  use  of  numerous  private  libra 
ries;  and  yet  he  said  there  were  no  libraries  in 
Little  Rock  and  that  the  most  cultured  citizens 
had  never  heard  of  Omar  or  Aristotle.  Dawn 
was,  however,  to  break  over  this  heathen  dark 
ness,  as  a  Woman's  Club  was  agitating  the  mat 
ter  of  a  getting  a  library.  He  said  he  heard 
them  talking  about  it,  and  one  lady  said:  "We 
must  have  all  'Ben-Hur's'  works  in  it,"  to 
which  the  other  assented. 

"And  I  think  we  ought  to  keep  all  the  great 
American  poets,  like  Ralph  Waldo  Longfellow 

68 


and  William  Cullen  Alcott  and  Joseph  Thomas 
Jefferson  in  one  place,  don't  you  all?"  And 
they  assented. 

"And  how  would  it  do  to  have  portraits  of 
a  few  of  the  great  historians,  like  Bertha  Clay 
and  Shakespeare,  put  in  frames  and  hung  up? 
It  might  inspire  our  sons  to  make  something  of 
themselves, ' '  said  a  third.  And  when  two  dozen 


LUtle    Brx-k    Society    Girl    ia    Riding    Habit.        She    Rides 
Astride. 

69 


as  helpful  suggestions  had  been  accepted  they 
were  ready  for  the  library. 

When  the  library  question  was  settled,  the 
educational  question  was  discussed.  The  Liar 
Man  had  visited  the  High  School  from  top  to 
bottom ;  had  watched  its  cooking  classes  with  a 
hungry  desire  to  eat  the  goods  things  they  con 
cocted.  He  had  watched  the  sewing  classes,  and 
inwardly  and  outwardly  declared  his  steadfast 
belief  in  tlie  education  that  was  practical  and 
mnde  good  homemakers.  He  had  seen  the  man 
ual  training  classes  and  had  visited  the  splendid 
ly  equipped  laboratories,  among  the  finest  in  the 
iooiuli.  He  had  seen  the  athletic  training  of  its 
box  s  and  girls,  and  had  admired  their  progress 
in  art  and  music;  and  much  of  this  same  work 
he  knew  was  being  done  in  every  public  school 
in  the  city.  He  visited  the  magnificent  new  St. 
Mary's  Academy  and  the  Litle  Rock  College, 
but  he  never  mentioned  any  of  these'  in  his  treat- 
merit  of  educational  advantages  in  Arkansas. 
!  iV  produced  figures  to  prove  it  the  most  igno 
rant  burg  on  earth,  and  told  how  he  had  seen 
prominent  citizens  in  Little  Rock  sitting  in  the 
car,  with  a  newspaper  upside  down,  trying  to 
look  intelligent. 

He  put  in  a  line  about  the  streets,  which,  lie 
said,  were  built  "when  Heck  was  a  pup"  out 
of  cobblestones,  and  he  told  a  story  about  a  man 
\\ho  was  foolish  enough  to  get  an  automobile. 
In  his  new  machine  he  started  down  street,  but 
the  way  was  so  rough  it  only  hit  the  road  three 
limes  a  block,  and  folks  thought  it  was  a  flying 
machine.  After  telling  as  many  lies  on  Little 

70 


Rock  as  he  could  well  cram  into  the  space  allot 
ted  to  Podunk,  he  wound  up  nt  the  Old  State 
House,  which  he  accused  of  having  been  built 
before  the  war. 

This  charge  was  a  true  one  as  far  as  it  went, 
but  it  didn't  go  far  enough  for  the  Old  State- 
house  was  built  seventy  years  ago  and  stands 
today,  somewhat  the  worse  for  wear,  but  still  a 
monument  of  ante-bellum  glory  and  a  source  of 
veneration  and  pride  to  the  people  of  a  new 
generation. 

It  would  seem  to  some  liars  too  much  like 


In  Little  Rock  the  Poor  Old  Booster  Works  Overtime  While 
His  Wife  Takes  Vocal  Lessons  and  Does  Society  Stunts. 

71 


telling  lies  on  a  venerable  gray-haired  man  to 
lie  on  the  Old  Statehouse. 

But  the  Man  Who  Lied  on  Arkansas  had  no 
bump  of  veneration  and  was  like  George  Wash 
ington  in  that  George  could  not  tell  a  lie  while 
this  one  couldn't  tell  the  truth.  So  the  Old 
Statehouse  got  its  share.  He  said  its  yard  was 
grown  up  with  underbrush  and  its  basement  so 
damp  that  snakes  and  bullfrogs  crawled  into  it 
when  the  July  sun  turned  their  hiding  places 
along  the  river  bank  into  a  sandbar.  There 
were  other  things  he  said  that  he  thought  were 
equally  funny.  But  in  enlarging  the  infirmities 
of  the  Old  Statehouse  he  never  mentioned  the 
magnificent  new  State  Capitol  in  course  of  con 
struction. 

Instead  of  giving  any  news  of  this  nature 
to  the  world  he  had  an  amateur  artist  whose 
friendship  he  had  cultivated,  draw  some  "sup 
posed-to-be-funny  pictures."  One  was  of  Little 
Rock  citizens  out  viewing  the  first  "sky 
scraper"  four  stories  high.  He  had  a  killing 
picture  made  of  a  Little  Bock  rooster  working 
overtime  while  his  wife  did  society  stunts;  a 
•picture  of  a  female  suffragist,  Little  Rock  va 
riety,  business  man  attending  a  convention,  and 
as  a  climax  he  had  the  Little  Rock  society  girj 
pictured  in  a  divided  riding  habit. 

This  was  a  powerful  ludicrous  picture  and 
the  Liar  Man  laughed  his  eyes  nearly  out  when 
he. saw  it. 

Well  it  was  that  he  had  his  laugh  when  he 
did.  Fate  was  to  make  use  of  this  picture,  and 
Jack  was  to  take  a  hand  in  the  game. 

72 


INFANT   INDUSTRIES. 


The  Liar  Man  had  by  this  time  written  a  thou 
sand  lies  and  coarse  jokes  on  Arkansas  and  was 
now  about  to  have  his  Podunk  collection  made 
into  a  book.  His  publishers  assured  him  it 
would  sell  like  hot  cakes,  and  he  needed  the 
money,  for  he  had  some  choice  investments 
] licked  out  in  Arkansas. 

During  his  stay  in  Arkansas  he  had  taken  a 
trip  to  Hot  Springs  and  other  points  and  with 
his  feet  on  a  velvet  rug  and  his  head  on  a  tapes- 
try  cushion  had  enjoyed  the  luxuries  of  up-to- 
date  train  service,  meantime  digging  from  the 
recesses  of  his  brain  every  old  joke  he  could 
think  of  to  put  in  a  "slow  train"  story,  even 
to  that  ancient  one  of  the  lady  who  offered  the 
conductor  a  child's  ticket  for  a  decrepit  old  man 
who,  when  he  got  on  the  train,  was  an  innocent, 
curly-haired  child  just  cutting  his  eye  teeth. 

The  Liar  Man  had  quarters  at  a  hotel  where 
his  wants  were  attended  by  a  maid  and  a  porter, 
where  he  wiped  his  fingers  on  satin  damask 
and  moistened  his  moustache  in  fragrant  water 
after  a  ten-course  dinner. 

But  the  Arkansas  Hotel  was  a  different  thing 
when  Podunk  took  hold  of  it.  His  first  refer 
ence  to  the  Arkansas  hotel  was  a  humorous 
selection  about  a  man  who  had  the  back  of  his 
head  blown  off  one  day,  and  the  coroner  said 
his  landlady  got  too  much  soda  in  the  biscuit. 
He  referred  again  to  the  female  swine  bosom 
which  in  this  case  was  tied  on  a  piece  of  stout 

73 


twine  and  used  by  each  boarder  in  turn,  to 
grease  his  pallet  for  the  passage  down  of  the 
dodger,  saving  it  to  boil  with  greens  next  day. 
He  pictured  chickens  roosting  on  the  meal  bar 
rel,  the  cook  trying  to  scare  a  tomcat  off  the 
biscuit-board  by  spitting  tobacco  in  his  eye,  and 
guests  wiping  their  fingers  on  the  seats  of  their 
pants  and  picking  their  teeth  with  butcher 
knives. 

He  attended  a  ball  at  the  Quapaw  Club  and 
saw  more  fine  ladies  and  gentlemen  than  he  had 
ever  met  in  New  York,  for  in  the  Eastern  ine- 
tropolic,  tailors  and  landladies  had  kept  him 
jumping  at  such  a  lively  rate  he  never  had  time 
to  establish  social  relations.  That  was  before 
he  lied  on  Arkansas.  Now  he  had  plenty  of 
money  and  in  the  first  dress  suit  he  ever  owned, 
was  trying  to  feel  "like  he  vas  ust  to  it."  Here 
were  army  officers  from  Fort  Boots  and  leading 
club  and  society  men  of  Little  Rock.  Here  were 
fair  women  in  gowns  from  Paris,  New  York, 
and  up-to-date  home-gown  builders.  It  was  a 
brilliant  affair  of  music,  lights,  laughter,  cour 
teous  men  and  fair  women.  But  when  an  Ar 
kansas  dance  appeared  in  Podunk  literature  as 
a  sample  of  social  life,  it  was  a  knock-down  and 
drag-out,  in  a  log  house  where  a  cross-eyed 
fiddler  ground  out  fierce  strains  while  men  in 
flannel  shirts  swung  girls  in  pink  calicoes  and 
blue  beads,  ending  in  a  free-for-all  fight  in  which 
several  dogs  were  kicked  to  death  and  a  feud 
begun  that  lasted  ten  years. 

The  Liar  Man  said  a  hundred  nice  things 
about  the  different  schools  he  visited  in  Arkan- 

74 


sas,  but  when  he  gave  his  impressions  to  Po- 
dunk  readers  they  saw  a  log  cabin  with  a  dirt 
floor  and  puncheon  seats  on  which  were  ranged 
about  thirteen  woe-begone  looking  specimens  of 
Arkansas  youth,  each  with  a  different  book, 
ranging  in  kind  from  a  'blue-back  speller  to  a 
Pope's  Essay  on  Man  with  its  insides  all  torn 
out. 

Once  he  had  taken  occasion  to  look  into 
health  statistics  and  found  Arkansas 's  record 
good.  But  Podunk  must  tell  a  lie  of  some  sort, 
so  he  strained  his  thinking  apparatus  and 
finally  ground  out  a  silly  verse  about  chills  and 
pills  and  many  ills.  He  depicted  the  sad  ap 
pearance  of  a  man  whose  internal  organs  had 
been  drowned  by  sassafras  tea  which  he  drank 
in  large  quantities  to  cure  the  "pink  eye."  He 
told  of  several  men  who,  having  been  salivated, 
had  choked  to  death  on  their  own  teeth,  and  of 
yet  others  who  took  quinine  until  their  ears 
roared  so  they  thought  Satan  was  after  them, 
and  they  finally  landed  in  the  "bug  house." 
All  this  Podunk  reduced  to  his  kind  of  liter 
ature. 

A  portion  of  another  article  was  devoted  to 
the  press  of  Arkansas.  For  months  he  had 
read  the  Arkansas  Gazette  with  its  up-to-date 
service  in  the  morning  and  the  Evening  Demo 
crat  in  the  afternoon.  He  had  found  the  Ar 
kansas  Sketch  Book  the  handsomest  magazine 
in  the  South ;  he  had  discovered  the  country 
press  to  be  up  to  date  and  the  religious  press 
to  be  well  patronized.  He  had  found  poultry 
and  professional  and  society  journals,  but  when 
he  mentioned  the  Arkansas  press  he  did  it  in  a 

75 


..a 

•  tr'afci 
f- 3  p 
bO  o  •—'  —* 

I  S3" 

m  ^    a   O 


^3 


o  £  M 

'e   °  * 

fe     —  ^H 


0  JS         rfj 

PH-H 


76 


joking  manner,  mentioning  the  "Tall  Grass 
Gazette,"  and  the  "Bulltown  Bazoo,"  both  tri 
weeklies — tried  to  get  out  one  week  and  got  out 
the  next.  He  told  a  tale  about  a  "squirrel- 
head"  who  being  approached  by  a  boodler,  bit 
him.  He  made  quite  a  story  of  this.  The  point 
was  never  obvious,  but  the  word  "  squirrel- 
head"  sounded  so  good  it  was  well  worked. 

In  addition  to  the  varied  industries  he  had 
found  in  Arkansas,  ranging  from  tomato  can 
ning  to  building  sky-scrapers,  he  had  found 
some  unusual  industries.  Among  them  ostrich 
and  alligator  farms,  an  elk  ranch,  bauxite  at 
Bauxite.  He  had  visited  the  largest  peach  or 
chard  in  the  world  at  El  Dorado,  had  seen  the 
$100  prize-winning  "World's  Fair"  hen  at 
a  Stuttgart  chicken  fair,  and  had  visited  Ves 
tal's  famous  greenhouse  and  seen  plant  life  from 
an  orchid  to  a  pecan  tree. 

But  in  writing  of  infant  industries  of  Arkan 
sas,  Podunk  passed  these  up  and  mentioned  the 
stork  business,  the  poor,  overworked  bird  suffer 
ing  from  brain  fag  brought  about  by  the  fear 
of  making  wrong  deliveries  since  the  population 
of  Arkansas  is  "white,  black,  and  colored." 
He  got  nearly  killed  once  for  making  a  mistake 
of  this  kind.  Podunk  went  farther  than  most 
writers  on  this  most  interesting  subject  and  said 
the  Arkansas  stork  delivered  its  goods  with 
their  jaw  teeth  cut  to  enable  them  to  eat  dodger. 

His  second  hit  was  with  a  diamond  story. 

"What  you  got  in  that  bag?"  said  a  stranger 
to  a  young  fellow  in  home-made  trousers,  who 
toiled  along  a  dusty  way  toward  town  with  a 
heavily  laden  tow-sack  on  his  back. 

77 


"Diamonds,"  came  the  reply. 

"Diamonds?"  said  the  stranger  in  astonish 
ment. 

"Yep — the  genunine  Arkansas  diamond." 

"Let  's  see  them." 

The  bag  was  opened  and  a  pile  of  crystals 
shaken  out. 

"What  are  they  for?"  the  stranger  asked. 

"These  is  nice  fer  flower-bed  borders." 

"I  don't  mean  this  kind  of  diamonds.  I'm 
talking  about  the  little  ones  used  in  rings  and 
scarf  pins.  Got  any  of  them?" 

"Yep,  but  they'  re  gone  up.  They  ust  to  sell 
at  a  dollar  a  quart;  now  they  're  two.  That's 
about  four  bits  a  cupful,"  and  untying  a  red 
bandana  he  stirred  up  a  quantity  of  small  crys 
tals. 

"These  ain't  polished,  but  they  shore  do  shine 
when  they  're  treated  right." 

"And  these  are  Arkansas  diamonds?" 

"Yep,  the  genuine." 

"Will  you  sell  a  dime's  worth?  I  only  need 
a  few." 

"Yep,  a  nickel's  worth,  if  you  say  so,"  and 
counting  out  a  dozen  the  deal  was  closed. 

"Arkansas  diamonds,"  said  the  man  and  the 
peddler  wondered  why  he  laughed. 

The  Liar  Man  hesitated  before  writing  this. 
He  had  been  trying  for  three  months  to  get  some 
stock  in  the  Pike  County  mine  and  had  just  been 
notified  that  it  could  be  secured. 

But  thinking  as  he  had  thought  before  of  his 
pressing  need  of  money,  he  let  it  go. 

78 


A  BAD  MOVE. 


Before  the  Liar  Man  signed  a  contract  with 
the  publishers  who  guaranteed  to  sell  a  million 
copies  of  his  famous  lies  on  Arkansas,  he  had 
their  written  promise  that  they  would  under  no 
condition  disclose  his  identity. 

In  the  first  place,  unless  she  was  dead  (and  he 
hoped  she  was)  there  was  an  ex- Affinity  some 
where  looking  for  him. 

Ten  years  before  he  had  made  some  promises 
to  a  poor  soul  who  believed  them.  Aiid  when 
she  learned  that  she  had  put  too  much  confi 
dence  in  a  big  liar  instead  of  a  good  Baptist  or 
even  a  decent  white  man,  she  determined  to  see 
that  he  made  good  in  her  case,  if  he  never  did 
another. 

When  the  Liar  Man  got  unmistakable  evidence 
of  this  determination,  he  decided  to  scoot,  and 
lose  .himself.  The  ex- Affinity  was  ten  years 
older  than  he,  and  as  he  was  no  spring  chicken 
he  argued  that  she  was  old  enough  to  take  care 
of  herself  and  he  proposed  to  let  her  do  ft. 

She  never  once  dreamed  that  he  would  turn 
his  back  on  metropolitan  high  life  for  a  tame 
existence  in  far-away  Arkansas.  The  Liar  Man 
was  sure  of  this  and  thus  felt  secure  so  long  as 
she  didn't  run  across  his  name. 

In  addition  to  this,  he  would  not  for  the 
world  have  had  the  Arkansas  Girl  know  who 
Podunk  was.  She  possessed  a  different  and 
stronger  attraction  for  him  than  any  of  his 

79 


numerous  affinities  had  ever  done,  and  he  met  a 
new  one  every  once  in  a  while,  and  his  acquain 
tance  with  her  had  stimulated  him  to  so  decent 
a  life  in  Arkansas  and  he  had  for  the  time  being 
lost  interest  in  affinities. 

The  book  came  out  in  due  season  and  his  first 
royalty  enabled  him  to  go  in  handsomely  on 
Arkansas  investments.  He  got  an  option  on 
some  tall  timber,  bought  a  site  for  a  couple  of 
factories  and  interested  himself  in  a  proposed 
railroad.  He  knew  a  Chicago  capitalist  who 
wanted  to  put  a  mill  on  the  timber  tract  and 
had  another  money-man  in  mind  to  interest  in 
the  railroad. 

The  book  had  been  somewhat  discussed  but 
not  among  the  class  of  people  with  whom  the 
Girl  associated,  and  the  Liar  Man  wondered  if 
she  had  ever  seen  or  heard  of  it,  and  several 
months  after  its  appearance  he  took  a  copy  out 
to  the  Colonial  home  one  night  and  presented  it 
to  the  Girl. 

"Is  it  something  for  me?"  she  said  smiling, 
and  with  the  smile  yet  on  her  face  she  opened 
the  package. 

Then  the  smile  gave  place  to  an  expression 
of  surprise  and  displeasure,  for  the  kind  and 
quality  of  the  book  was  suggested  on  its  red  and 
green  cover. 

She  turned  the  pages  and  as  she  did  so  the 
expression  on  her  face  that  at  first  bespoke  sur 
prise,  now  showed  disgust,  and  before  she  had 
proceeded  far,  the  brightness  of  her  eyes  and 
the  red  spots  her  cheeks  were  such  evidences  as 
Jack  had  learned  meant  trouble  ahead. 

80 


"Did  you  look  at  this  before  bringing  it  to 
me?"  she  inquired,  casting  a  searching  glance  at 
the  Liar. 

The  Liar  was  no  fool.  He  saw  the  fire  in  her 
eye. 

"I  must  confess  I  did  not,"  he  said  anx 
iously.     "Is  n't  it  all  right?" 

"All  right?"  she  repeated  angrily.  "It  is  an 
abominable  lie  from  the  first  page  to  the  last, 
and  not  even  a  decent  lie  at  that!" 

"You  don't  say!"  he  exclaimed.  "Let  me 
see!"  and  he  held  out  his  hand. 

She  passed  him  the  open  book  and  his  eye  fell 
on  a  full-page  picture  entitled  "Home  Life  in 
Arkansas."  Something  intended  to  represent 
a  female  of  the  'genus  homo,'  occupied  a  seat 
in  the  middle  of  what  was  supposed  to  be  a 
room.  She  had  a  pair  of  raw-boned  offspring 
on  her  knee  taking  their  sustenance  from  Na 
ture's  supply  source  which  was  as  innocent  of 
any  covering  as  was  a  matronly  hog  nearby. 
The  little  brothers  and  sisters  in  various  stages 
of  undress  fought  pups  for  the  possession  of 
ham  bones  making  faces  at  each  other  like  mon 
keys,  and  the  father  of  the  family  was  doing  the 
chiropodist  act  on  a  sore  toe  with  the  bread 
knife. 

As  the  Girl  held  this  picture  before  him,  the 
Liar  Man  flushed  with  shame. 

"This  is  outrageous!"  he  exclaimed.  "I 
should  have  examined  it,  but  I  did  not  think  of 
finding  anything  like  this  in  a  reputable  book 
store.  I  saw  it  was  something  about  Arkansas 
and  thought  you  would  like  to  look  at  it.  I  only 

81 


hope  you  give  me  credit  for  being  too  much  of 
a  gentleman  to  present  any  self-respecting 
young  lady  with  such  disreputable  trash,  and 
you  certainly  believe  me  too  great  a  friend  of 
our  beloved  Arkansas  to  aid  in  her  traducing 
by  adding  to  the  circulation  of  this  so  much  as  a 
single  copy.  Let  us  put  it  in  the  fire, ' '  and  the 
Liar  Man  made  a  move  in  the  direction  of  the 
grate.  But  the  Girl  held  out  her  hand. 

He  hesitated,  then  gave  it  to  her. 

She  looked  in  the  front. 

"Podunk"  she  read  to  herself  and  then  she 
repeated  the  name  of  the  publishing  house. 

"I  am  glad  you  brought  this  book,"  she  said, 
' '  for  now  that  I  know  of  its  existence  I  am  going 
to -try  to  find  out  who  this  Podunk  is.  Will  you 
help  me?" 

"Will  I  help  locate  this  scoundrel!"  he  re 
peated,  "Will  I?  It  will  be  a  pleasure.  I  will 
lend  any  effort  to  discover  the  perpetrator  of 
this  vile  trash.  Let  me  get  the  address. ' '  And, 
taking  the  publisher's  name  carefully,  he  tucked 
it  in  his  pocket. 

"I  will  write  this  very  night  before  I  sleep," 
he  declared.  "No  time  shall  be  lost  in  showing 
the  scoundrel  to  the  world. ' ' 

And  he  did  write  that  night,  but  he  wrote  to 
call  his  publisher's  attention  to  the  existing  con 
tract  guarantee  not  to  uncover  Podunk 's  iden 
tity. 


82 


JACK  TO  THE  RESCUE. 


The  Liar  Man  had  hard  luck  in  his  effort  to 
discover  the  identity  of  Podunk  and  the  Girl 
grew  impatient  and  finally  sent  for  Jack. 

"Jack,"  she  said,  "you  always  used  to  like 
detective  work  and  I  want  somebody  to  help  me 
find  out  something.  It  is  quite  necessary  to  my 
happiness,  Jack,  that  I  find  this  out." 

"What  is  it?" 

* '  The  identity  of  a  man. ' ' 

"Your  friend,  the  man — " 

"Now,  Jack,  be  nice.  Don't  make  me  fuss 
today.  This  is  important,  and  it  's  got  nothing 
whatever  to  do  with  him." 

"All  right,  then.     Go  ahead." 

"You  know  Podunk,  Jack?" 

"Podunk?"  he  repeated.  Podunk  who?  I 
never  heard  of  Podunk." 

"O  yes  you  have,  Jack.  He  wrote  that  book 
of  stories  on  Arkansas." 

Jack  laughed. 

"I  don't  see  how  you  can  laugh,  Jack,"  the 
Girl  said,  looking  serious.  "Such  terrible  lies 
as  he  has  told  and  so  many  of  them." 

"That  's  just  the  beauty  of  them,"  Jack  ex 
plained.  "They  are  such  preposterous  lies  no 
body  can  believe  them." 

' '  0  but  they  will  create  an  influence  and  peo 
ple  do  not  stop  to  run  down  lies.  I  am  sure  of 
it ! "  and  there  was  distress  in  her  voice. 

83 


"And  you  want  me  to  help  you  discover  the 
identity  of  Podunk?" 

"Yes." 

"What  do  you  propose  to  do  to  him!" 

"Write  him  a  letter,"  she  answered. 

"Nice  punishment,"  he  observed.  "It  's 
been  a  long  time  since  you  wrote  to  me— I  sup 
pose  I  have  n't  been  bad  enough." 


84 


He  -Met  a  New  Affinity  Every  Once  in  a  While. 


"Don't  talk  that  way,  Jack,  and  I  '11  write 
you  a  letter." 

"I  '11  do  this  or  any  other  possible  or  impos 
sible  thing  under  heaven  for  you,  Kid,  you  know 
it.  But  you  have  n't  been  calling  on  me  much 
lately.  I  imagined  the  other  fellow  was  doing 
all  your  bidding — that  friend  of  yours  whose  de 
votion  to  his  aged  mother  will  make  a  saint  of 
him,  who  serves  God  in  the  fear  of  the  Baptist 
faith,  and  who  would  n't  know  the  truth,  naked 
or  clothed,  if  he  met  it  in  broad  daylight. ' ' 

"He  has  tried  but  has  been  very  busy  lately 
and  out  of  town  a  great  deal,"  she  answered. 
' '  He  wrote  to  the  publishers  who  informed  him 
the  author  did  not  want  his  identity  divulged." 

"I  would  n't  either,  if  I  were  he." 

"Look  Jack,"  she  whispered.  "Can  you  im 
agine  anything  more  horrid  than  this?"  and  she 
called  his  attention  to  the  picture  of  the  Little 
Bock  society  girl  in  divided  riding  habit.  You 
know  that  I  ride  that  way  and  I  'm  afraid  this 
Podunk  is  somebody  that  has  been  here,  maybe 
someone  who  has  ridden  with  me,  and  that  this 
is  my  picture. ' ' 

Jack  scruntinized  it  carefully  and  then  looked 
carefully  at  the  Girl. 

"I  believe  it  is  your  picture,"  he  remarked 
slowly.  "It  looks  like  you,  Kid,"  and  then  he 
laughed  until  the  Girl's  vexation  gave  way  to 
tears. 

This  ended  the  laughing  on  Jack's  part. 

"Jack,"  she  sobbed,  "do  you  think  that— 
that— awful-looking  thing  looks  like  me?" 

"Just  about  as  much  as  it  looks  like  my 

85 


grandmother  or  Dinah  or  Sara  Bernhardt,  or 
Podunk." 

This  was  reassuring,  and  he  continued,  "I 
will  do  my  best  to  unearth  the  villain  and  when 
I  discover  him,  I  '11  inflict  any  punishment  you 
mete  out  to  him. ' ' 

"If  you  will,  Jack— well,  if  you  will— I  don't 
know  what  I  '11  do  for  you,  but  I  like  you  yet, 
Jack." 

And  then  Jack  surprised  both  himself  and  the 

Girl  by  kissing  her  before  he  hurried  out. 

********* 

A  few  days  later  Jack  called  again. 

"I  have  a  clew,"  he  said,  and  taking  from  his 
pocket  a  bit  of  cardboard  he  handed  it  to  the  Girl 
and  she  held  in  her  hand  a  rough  sketch  of  the 
Little  Bock  society  girl  in  riding  habit. 

' '  Where  did  you  get  it  I "  she  inquired. 

"From  the  artist  who  made  the  drawing  in 
Podunk 's  book." 

"Tell  me — tell  me— talk  fast,"  she  exclaimed. 

Nothing  much  to  tell.  I  was  stirring  around 
in  a  friend's  room  a  few  days  ago,  who  imagines 
he  is  an  artist,  when  I  ran  across  this  with  some 
other  sketches.  I  asked  him  what  it  was  and  he 
said  a  rough  sketch  for  a  fellow  here  who  has 
been  getting  up  stuff  for  some  funny  paper  in 
the  east." 

"Did  you  find  out  who  the  fellow  is?" 

"0  yes.  You  wanted  it  done,  and  I  wanted  it 
because  you  did  and  since  we  both  wanted  it— 

"Jack— 'dear  Jack — don't  try  to  be  funny 
now.  Tell  me  who  had  the  pictures  made ! ' ' 

Jack  hesitated. 

86 


" Please,  Jack,  hurry  up,"  she  pleaded. 

"You  know  him,"  he  said  slowly.  "In  fact, 
he  's  a  friend  of  yours.  He  is  devoted  to  an 
aged  mother,  and  is  a  good  Baptist." 

"Jack,  you  don't  mean—" 

"He  's  exactly  who  I  do  mean!" 

The  Girl  stood  speechless. 

"I  don't  believe  it,"  she  finally  exclaimed. 
"I  mean  I  can't  believe  it,  Jack." 

"I  was  afraid  you  could  n't,  so  I  brought  you 
some  additional  proof.  Do  you  know  this  hand 
writing  ? ' '  and  he  passed  her  an  open  letter. 

She  gazed  at  it  speechless.  It  had  come  to 
her  times  innumerable  on  candy  boxes  and  roses, 
and  there  were  a  dozen  notes  in  her  desk  with 
the  same  signature. 

"How  did  you  get  it?"  she  inquired  when  she 
could  speak. 

"I  have  a  friend  in  Chicago  in  the  book  bus 
iness.  I  gave  him  your  friend's  name  and  asked 
him  to  communicate  with  him  through  the  house 
publishing  the  Podunk  stuff  telling  him  that  I 
wanted  to  establish  an  identity.  What  you  hold 
in  your  hand  was  his  reply." 

The  Girl  looked  at  the  signature  again  and 
then  letting  it  fall  to  the  floor  she  raised  her 
eyes  to  the  face  of  the  broad  shouldered  Arkan- 
san  and  tried  to  thank  him. 

"Poor  little  Kid,"  he  said  tenderly.  "I  'm 
sorry  for  you  and  if  pounding  that  lying  ass  into 
pulp  will  do  you  any  good,  I  '11  catch  him  to 
night  and  pound — shall  I?" 

"Wait  a  little  before  you  pound,"  she  said. 
"I  want  to  have  one  more  interview  with  him." 

87 


OVER  THE  CRATER, 


Prospects  were  bright  for  the  Liar  Man.  Out 
side  capital  was  going  to  invest  in  Arkansas  and 
develop  his  holdings. 

The  time  had  now  come  for  him  to  make  the 
diamond  rjng  proposition  to  the  Girl  and  after 
dressing  with  due  taste  and  arming  himself 
with  a  box  of  Erret  Hamilton's  famous  candy, 
he  wended  his  way  to  the  Colonial  mansion  with 
the  notion  lodged  in  his  mind  that  he  would  soon 
be  occupying  a  good  birth  in  it  himself. 

The  Girl  met  him  as  usual  with  a  bright  smile, 
just  how  bright  he  did  not  realize  until  later, 
and  in  the  glow  of  a  soft  light  she  listened  at 
tentively  while  he  told  her  of  his  splendid  pros 
pects—his  railroad,  and  his  timber  land,  and  he 
emphasized  the  fact  that  nowhere  in  the  world 
does  the  future  hold  so  much  in  store  for  the 
wise  investor  as  in  Arkansas. 

All  this  led  up  to  the  diamond  ring  proposi 
tion.  It  was  to  be  an  Arkansas  diamond,  fit 
jewel  for  that  priceless  treasure,  the  Arkansas 
Girl. 

"What  should  be  done  to  the  man  who  makes 
the  Arkansas  Girl  look  like  this  in  the  eyes  of 
the  world?"  she  inquired,  holding  a  picture  of 
the  divided  skirt  lady  before  him. 

The  Liar  Man  looked  closely  at  the  picture, 
virgin  innocence  veiling  his  face.  Then  he 
waxed  mighty  in  denunciation  and  declared, 
'The  hound  who  would  thus  malign  Arkansas 
womanhood  should  receive  the  execration  of 
every  honest  citizen  and  the  severest  penalty  the 
law  could  inflict. ' ' 

88 


"What  should  be  done  to  the  man  who  has 
thus  maligned  the  reputation  of  a  great  State?" 
and  she  held  toward  him  the  closed  book. 

* '  He  should  be  consigned  to  perdition  and  left 
there  without  mercy  or  hope,  for  he  is  a  liar  of 
the  deepest  dye  and  the  liar's  place  is  already 
prepared. ' ' 

"  Suppose  he  were  the  son  of  an  aged  and  in 
firm  Christian  mother  and  suppose  he  were  a 
pious  Baptist?" 

The  Liar  Man  felt  an  uneasy  feeling  creep  up 
his  spine. 

"I  do  not  understand  exactly  what  you 
mean ! "  he  said. 

"Perhaps  this  will  help.  Did  you  ever  see 
it  before?" 

The  Liar  Man  took  the  drawing,  looked  at  it 
carefully  and  declared  he  had  never  seen  it 
before. 

"How  about  this?"  and  she  handed  him  the 
letter  with  his  own  signature  across  the  bot 
tom. 

"What  does  all  this  mean?"  he  exclaimed 
wrathfully. 

"It  means  that  an  Arkansas  Girl  has  made  a 
discovery — she  has  discovered  Podunk. ' ' 

"You  don't  insinuate  that  I  am  in  any  way 
connected  with  this  damnable  book,  do  you?" 
and  he  slammed  it  down  on  the  table. 

' '  No  more  than  to  be  its  author. ' ' 

"Lord  a 'mighty!"  he  gasped.  "What  das 
tardly  plot  is  this  that  has  been  hatched  by 
some  enemy?"  and  then  the  Liar  Man  fell  on 
his  knees  and  poured  out  what  heart  he  had  left 

89 


at  the  feet  of  the  Arkansas  Girl  and  exclaimed 
in  heart-rending  melodrama,  "There  can  be  no 
happiness  for  me  without  you.  By  your  refusal 
you  shut  the  door  of  heaven  in  rny  face !  Could 
you  be  so  cruel?" 

Then  the  Girl  in  a  coldly  polite  and  orthodox 
manner  advised  him  that  she  had  ever  been 
taught  liars  were  not  candidates  for  heaven 
and  that  she  would  therefore  take  pleasure  in 
shutting  the  door  of  heaven  in  his  face  if  it  were 
left  her — and  he  could  call  it  cruelty  or  what 
ever  he  pleased. 

After  all  that  the  Liar  Man  went  home,  and 
Jack  dropped  in,  and  before  he  left  he  had  en 
tered  the  "door  of  heaven"  opened  by  the  Girl. 

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        # 

The  Liar  Man's  pride  was  wounded.  He  had 
lost  the  Girl.  His  identity  was  discovered  and 
he  feared  that  this  would  entail  on  him  endless 
suffering,  for  certain  he  was  his  superannuated 
Affinity,  the  one  he  had  ten  years  before  called 
"the  Fury,"  would  land  in  his  vicinity  as  soon 
as  she  discovered  it,  and  thoughts  of  what  she 
might  do  to  him  made  him  shiver. 

He  congratulated  himself,  however,  that  he 
had  secured  the  investment  of  Eastern  capital 
just  in  the  nick  of  time.  He  would  no  longer  be 
welcomed  in  the  best  circles  of  Arkansas  society 
and  because  of  this  and  the  painful  thought  that 
the  ex- Affinity  might  not  yet  have  passed  on  to 
Glory,  he  determined  to  travel. 

When  he  arrived  at  his  hotel  he  found  some 
mail. 

One  letter  was  from  the  timber  land  man.  He 
said :  "I  must  reconsider  my  acceptance  of  your 

90 


proposition.  I  'believe  Arkansas  offers  good  op 
portunities,  but  my  wife  and  daughters  object  to 
living  in  a  community  where  young  ladies  go 
barefoot  and  chew  snuff  sticks." 

The  next  letter  was  from  the  railroad  pro 
moter,  who  said:  "We  have  decided  not  to  in 
vest  in  Arkansas  for  the  present.  The  State 
presents  good  opportunities  in  more  ways  than 
one,  but  until  you  get  lawmakers  up  to  date 
enough  to  wear  collars  and  sleep  somewhere  be 
side  wagon  yards,  we  cannot  hope  for  legislation 
tending  toward  the  development  of  railroads." 

A  third  letter  was  from  the  man  who  was  to 
finance  the  rice  mill  and  canning  factory.  He 
wrote:  "I  have  changed  my  mind  about  mov 
ing  to  Arkansas.  I  believe  the  State  offers  good 
opportunities  but  I  have  a  growing  family  and 
must  look  out  for  their  health  and  education. 
Stories  of  present-day  schools  in  Arkansas  and 
accounts  of  health  conditions  are  not  attrac 
tive." 

To  all  of  these  the  Liar  Man  wrote  letters  in 
which  he  told  the  truth,  the  whole*  truth  and 
nothing  but  the  truth.  .  But  it  was  too  late. 
Wrong  impressions  had  spread  far  and  wide, 
and  an  impression  though  intangible  is  never 
theless  potent. 

But  though  the  Grirl  was  lost  and  he  had  lost 
on  his  investments,  the  Liar  Man 's  cup  of  bitter 
ness  was  not  yet  full.  Eetribution  had  just 
sighted  him,  and  while  he  felt  that  Fate  was 
handing  him  a  lemon  he  knew  he  should  never 
murmur  or  repine  if  either  the  good  Lord  or  the 
bad  Devil  would  keep  "the  Fury"  from  cross 
ing  his  path  again. 

91 


WHAT  GOT  HIM. 


During  the  months  that  the  Liar  Man  had 
been  getting  rich  in  Arkansas  writing  Podunk 
lies,  his  ex- Affinity  had  been  lying  at  death's 
door  away  back  where  he  had  left  her,  her  most 
faithful  friend  being  a  young  companion  who 
did  a  song  and  dance  act  in  vaudeville. 

For  ten  years  with  unwearying  patience  this 
ex- Affinity  had  been  in  search  of  the  Liar  Man, 
and  when  the  black  eyed  girl  became  her  friend, 
she  too  kept  an  eye  on  mankind,  hoping  to  aid 
in  the  capture  of  the  culprit. 

All  search  had  thus  far  proven  futile,  but  the 
ex- Affinity  would  never  listen  to  the  possibility 
of  his  death. 

"His  kind  do  not  die  young,"  she  would  say. 


92 


The  Soubrette  Was  a  High  Stepper. 


' '  The  scoundrel  is  yet  living,  going  around  hunt 
ing  fresh  affinities  and  borrowing  money  and 
telling  lies.  But  here  's  a  chapter  that  's  not 
ended;  He  '11  make  good  yet!" 

After  the  illness  of  the  ex- Affinity  she  decided 
to  go  to  Hot  Springs,  Arkansas,  to  recuperate. 
It  was  a  long  journey  to  an  unknown  land,  but 
a  number  of  actresses  whom  she  had  known  had 
been  there  and  on  the  strength  of  their  recom 
mendation  and  the  young  companion's  entreaty, 
the  two  set  out. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  the  Liar  Man 
decided  to  drown  his  troubles  in  a  few  rounds  of 
Hot  Springs  high  life  before  leaving  the  State, 
and  with  a  splendid  new  outfit  of  tailored  suits 
and  patent  leather  shoes  he  arrived  in  good 
style  in  the  Valley  of  Vapors  and  determined  to 
set  about  making  some  new  acquaintances. 

Soon  after  his  arrival  in  Hot  Springs  he  met 
a  charming  young  woman  with  black  eyes.  She 
was  a  soubrette  and  a  high-stepper  and  the  Liar 
Man  thought  she  would  do  very  well  as  a  sub 
stitute  for  the  Girl  who  had  so  recently  torn 
herself  from  his  affections. 

With  this  idea  in  mind  the  Liar  Man  sent  the 
soubrette  an  American  Beauty  rose.  She  sent 
him  back  a  smile  and  that  same  afternoon  they 
took  in  the  town  and  before  night  they  were  such 
good  friends  she  had  his  picture  and  he  had  her 
promise  to  a  grill  room  supper  after  her  vau 
deville  act. 

When  the  soubrette  returned  to  the  room  of 
her  companion  in  the  evening  she  had  a  long 
stemmed  rose,  a  copy  of  Podunk  and  a  photo- 

93  " 


graph  to  display  as  trophies  of  a  new  acquaint 
ance. 

When  the  photograph  fell  into  her  hands,  the 
ex- Affinity  sprang  up  with  a  cry.  "The  scoun 
drel!  Where  is  he?" 

Then  the,  two  women  had  a  whispered  consul 
tation  and  concocted  some  sort  of  a  plan  that 
filled  the  ex- Affinity  with  nervous  interest  and 
the  soubrette  with  keen  excitement. 

According  to  those  who  took  part,  the  grill 
room  party  proved  a  "lollie-p'loolie,"  whatever 
that  is.  The  uninitiated  might,  however,  have 
taken  the  entire  party  for  "  lollie-p 'loolies  "  be 
fore  their  dinner  was  over.  The  Liar  Man  had 
plenty  of  money.  The  soubrette  was  jolly. 
Another  lady  guest  was  still  jollier  and  the  man 
she  was  with  had  n't  had  a  chance  to  get  so 
much  for  so  little  money  in  many  a  month.  So 
.  they  ate  and  drank,  and  drank  some  more.  Then 
they  sang  a  little,  danced  a  little,  threw  a  few 
plates  and  then  drank  a  little  more— especially 
the  Liar  Man,  who  had  been  on  the  water  wagon 
so  long  he  felt  like  sawdust  and  found  it  hard 
to  get  wet  through.  The  soubrette  did  n't 
drink  much.  She  said  she  had  to  work  the  next 
day,  but  she  kept  the  others  drinking  and  the 
Liar  Man  finally  got  so  happy  he  emptied  his 
pockets  and  ihrew  ten-dollar  bills  at  the  girls 
and  while  all  this  was  going  on  a  fifth  party 
appeared  upon  the  scene  and  stood  quietly  just 
within  the  door— a  tall  angular  lady,  unmistak 
ably  a  peroxide  blonde.  She  viewed  the  land 
scape  o'er  in  short  order,  but  waited,  for  the 
Liar  Man  was  getting  sleepy.  When  his  head 

94 


dropped  on  the  table  she  spoke  to  the  soubrette, 
took  possession  of  all  the  Liar  Man's  money, 
called  a  porter,  removed  the  sleepy  man  to  a 
carriage  and  then  accompanied  by  the  soubrette 
rolled  away  in  darkness.  Fifteen  minutes  later 
a  justice  of  the  peace  was  awakened  from  his 
slumber  to  perform  a  marriage  ceremony.  The 
groom  was  somewhat  the  worse  for  champagne, 
but  was  good-natured  and  said  just  what  the 
ex- Affinity  told  him  to  and  when  it  was  over  she 
took  him  home  and  put  him  to  bed. 

When  he  awoke  in  the  cold  gray  dawn  of  the 
morning  after,  his  superannuated  affinity  was 
hovering  over  him  like  an  evil  bird. 

"You  Ve  been  a  long  time  keeping  a  prom 
ise,"  she  said  in  the  same  old  tone. 

"I  never  made  a  promise,"  he  retorted. 

Then  she  called  him  a  liar  and  when  he  denied 
the  allegation  she  called  him  another  liar. 

He  inquired  feebly  what  she  was  doing  there. 

"I  'm  staying  here  as  long  as  you  do,"  she 
said,  "and  when  you  move,  I  move.  You  don't 
get  away  again,  young  man.  You  Ve  been  a 
long  time  getting  around  to  it,  but  you  married 
me  last  night,  so  you  need  not  be  scandalized 
because  I  am  here." 

Then  he  called  her  a  liar,  and  as  the  lie  passed 
between  them  at  a  rapid  rate  the  ex-affinity  dis 
played  the  same  temperament  that  had  caused 
him  in  bygone  days  to  call  her  "the  Fury,"  but 
she  submitted  proof  that  she  was  not  a  liar. 

"I  Ve  got  you  this  time,  'till  death  do  us 
part,'  "  she  said,  smiling  triumphantly  at  him— 
"until  death  do  us  part,  do  you  understand?" 

95 


With  a  groan  the  unhappy  man  turned  to  the 
wall  and  prayed  for  death,  only  to  be  taunted  by 
"the  Fury, "  who  said,  "Well,  if  that  's  the  way 
you  feel  about  it,  not  even  death  shall  separate 
us.  So  don't  think  you  can  give  me  the  slip 
again,  not  even  by  dying." 

Her  words  caused  a  relapse.  He  grew  pale 
and*called  for  bottled  goods  which  he  drank, 
and  with  every  drink  "the  Fury"  grew  larger 
and  fiercer  and  changed  in  aspect  until  she 
seemed  to  be  standing  over  him  with  gaping 
mouth,  fiery  tongue,  and  lashing,  claw-tipped 
arms.  His  brain  grew  dizzy;  his  hand  grew 
clammy;  the  world  grew  dim;  but  "the  Fury" 
was  there  growing  in  size  and  fierce  wrath.  He 
felt  himself  receding  from  the  earth  and  being 
borne  toward  a  dark  abyss,  but  even  here  "the 
Fury,"  with  fiery  eye  and  fiendish  claws  fol 
lowed  him  gaining,  gaining,  until  he  felt  himself 
drawn  into  her  unyielding  arms  and  felt  her  hot 
breath  on  his  clammy  cheek  and  heard  her  hiss 
in  his  ear,  "My,  but  what  a  Liar  you  are.  I 
could  n't  trust  you  out  of  my  sight  even  to  die !" 
and  the  next  think  he  knew  he  did  n't  know  any 
thing.  In  the  arms  of  "the  Fury"  he  had  been 
swallowed  by  the  black  gulf. 

Thus  the  Man  Who  Lied  on  Arkansas  passed 
from  the  scene  of  his  wrongdoing,  and  if  he 
ever  contributed  anything  more  to  Podunk  lit 
erature  it  did  not  come  to  the  attention  of  the 
Girl  who,  the  Liar  Man  said  (though  he  was 
such  a  liar  it  might  not  have  been  the  Girl  after 
all  who  did  it)  had  shut  the  open  door  of  heaven 
in  his  face. 

96 

of  CAUFORMA 

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